how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
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05-02-2014, 05:54 PM
how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Hi everyone! I am really really wanting to tell my husband that I am an atheist but the last time I tried it ended up being a disaster and nearly ended our marriage. He basically told me if I didn't believe in God than I couldn't be with him so I back tracked and told him I did/NoUndecided
That was two years and since then I think he has made a little progress but I am not sure how to tell if he is ready for the truth or not. Obviously I don't want to risk our marriage but at the same time it doesn't fell like he is my true partner in life I am withholding such a huge part of my life from him ya know.
I just wish I could tell somehow if he has become more accepting of the idea or not.

Two years ago when I tried to tell him and it ended badly I just told myself it was no big deal, I can just live with this secret for the rest of my life and it won't be a big deal. But now I am starting to see how keeping it inside is slowing eating away at me plus I just simply don't want to be fake with someone I love.

Any insights anyone can give would be greatly appreciated.

http://iamtheclosetatheist.blogspot.com/
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05-02-2014, 06:08 PM (This post was last modified: 05-02-2014 06:32 PM by DLJ.)
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(05-02-2014 05:54 PM)Pearl Wrote:  ...
He basically told me if I didn't believe in God than I couldn't be with him
...

Emotional blackmail.

Why is it acceptable for him to say this to you but presumably the reverse is not something that you would (or could?) say to him?

There is an imbalance here.

Unless this is addressed to give you parity / equality he will continue to have ownership of / dominance in the relationship and there is no point raising the subject again.

Redress the imbalance first.

... and good luck.

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05-02-2014, 06:11 PM (This post was last modified: 05-02-2014 06:33 PM by Full Circle.)
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Maybe instead of blurting it out one day you begin to challenge the god concept at every opportunity no matter how trivial.

For instance he says "God bless you" after you sneeze and you inform him that one explanation suggests that people used to believe that a person's soul could be thrown from their body when they sneezed,[1] that sneezing otherwise opened the body to invasion by the Devil[2] or evil spirits,[3] or that sneezing was the body's effort to force out an invading evil presence.[1] In these cases, "bless you" or "God bless you" is used as a sort of shield against evil. Ask him if that is what he thinks.

When he wants to go to church service you politely refuse, tell him you'll be going over to the homeless shelter to see if they need help in the meantime. Drop in the line "Two hands working accomplish more that 1000 clasped in prayer".

Just a thought, not knowing you, your husband or your relationship it is impossible to know what is the best course of action.

Good luck.

Plus what DLJ said.

*** I just read your blog Sadcryface

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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05-02-2014, 06:20 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
I've just read your blog in your signature.

Obviously I don't know what your husband is like the rest of your time, but if he reacts like that when you even hint at not believing in God then I can't believe that he truly loves you. If you knew that someone truly loved you then you wouldn't be scared when they bring out a gun when they're angry. He obviously did that knowing the effect it would have on you.

This sentence particularly from your blog suggests that this may be an abusive relationship

"The gist of it however was that I was the lowest of the low, not worthy of love or compassion, a terrible person and no wife to him at all any longer. "

This is the kind of stuff gets said along with lines like "you're lucky to have me, no one else would want you"

If this is typical of him when you displease him and he really does leave you fearing for your life then coming out as an atheist is the least of your problems.
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05-02-2014, 06:21 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
I read your blog, and I think the earlier posts give good advice. There are many good people on the forum who I'm sure can also help you out . Good luck.

“The first duty of a man is to think for himself” ― José Martí
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05-02-2014, 06:25 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Belief isn't really a choice.

An omniscient and omnipotent god would know your mind and that its impossible for you to believe without proof. He also has the power and knowledge that he would know exactly how to get you to believe... Yet he doesn't do that. So he either doesn't exist, or he made you in such a way that its impossible to believe in him, and he still hasn't given you reason to. Its not your fault.
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05-02-2014, 06:47 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Quote:He basically told me if I didn't believe in God than I couldn't be with him so I back tracked and told him I did


He loves fairy tales more than you.

Best that you find this out now.

[Image: reality.jpg?imgmax=800]
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05-02-2014, 08:03 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Unfortunately I cannot read your blog at this time. Nor can I offer great advice on "coming out". My approach is usually just openness, and I find that avoids many problems. But I understand being scared to be open. To be scared that exposing a certain part of you can make you lose somebody you love.

Honestly, that's not a healthy place to be. I mean, life is far from fair, and relationships can be incredibly difficult. But building anything on the foundation of a lie leads to a weaker product. If you can't be open about things that are important to you in your marriage, your marriage will be weaker for it. If you are scared that being yourself will make your husband reject you, then your marriage is already at an unhealthy stage. And this lack of health may only be in you right now, in your feelings of fear, rejection, shame, or whatever you might be feeling. But even if it is just you feeling this way, that is NOT ok. You don't need to live like the oppressed. You don't need to be told what to do or who to be. You are an individual, and being yourself is your right (assuming you aren't hurting others).

So no, I don't have a great way to tell him that you are an atheist. Not aside from, "babe, I have to talk to you. I have thought for a long long time, and I just cannot and do not believe there is a god." Which isn't incredibly original or strategic, just open and honest. But I will ask you, what is more important in your life....Being able to be true to yourself, and fully appreciated and loved for who you are? Or holding together a marriage where you are afraid to say something your husband does not like?

I can't tell you what to do, but I encourage you to think of what YOU want, with YOUR life. This is the only life you have, don't live in a way that you don't truly want to live.

Other questions: Are you happy? If not, do you know what is making you unhappy?

These are just my thoughts of course. If you feel like talking more, feel free to PM me.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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05-02-2014, 08:43 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Tell him that your (insert religion that isn't christianity here) if he reacts worse, tell him your atheist.
Anyways ask him why he wouldn't let you be married.

Emotional blackmail is just probably because he wants to convert you, which you get extra christ points or something that let's you be in heaven and be saved from judgement, I suspect.
And if he refuses, tell him the consequences of the ten commandments, has he ever said "god" in vain? If yes, the commandments say he should be stoned.



LOOK HERE: If all else fails, tell HIM that YOU are going to end the relationship if he believes in god.

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05-02-2014, 09:30 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
So I just got home and read your blog. I'm really sorry you went through that. My impulse is to say that if your husband cannot accept you for who you are, then he is not the one for you. Which sounds harsh, I know. But I find it true. From what you have written, I really hope you do come out. Because damnit why should you have to give up part of yourself? Why should you have to "Act" just to be accepted? Whether you realize it or not, there are people in this world who WILL love and accept you for who you are.

In my local meetup group here in Seattle there are several people who moved from Texas actually. Perhaps you can join a Texas atheist/agnostics group for some support?

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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