how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
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07-02-2014, 05:44 AM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(06-02-2014 08:44 PM)Takelababy Wrote:  Pearl, would you tell your husband if you had an affair so you could be honest with him? I think not. I don't get why it's become a burning issue with out. Do you feel guilty about not believing? It sound like there's a much deeper issue going on.

I put it down to her having to pretend to be someone she is not, the devout Mormon wife, and not having any chance to express any opinions of her own. It just so happens that she is an atheist.

It is fundamental to everyone's existence that they can freely act and think. All forms of prejudice are harmful because they deny people their own identity.
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09-02-2014, 12:23 AM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(05-02-2014 05:54 PM)Pearl Wrote:  Hi everyone! I am really really wanting to tell my husband that I am an atheist but the last time I tried it ended up being a disaster and nearly ended our marriage. He basically told me if I didn't believe in God than I couldn't be with him so I back tracked and told him I did/NoUndecided
That was two years and since then I think he has made a little progress but I am not sure how to tell if he is ready for the truth or not. Obviously I don't want to risk our marriage but at the same time it doesn't fell like he is my true partner in life I am withholding such a huge part of my life from him ya know.
I just wish I could tell somehow if he has become more accepting of the idea or not.

Two years ago when I tried to tell him and it ended badly I just told myself it was no big deal, I can just live with this secret for the rest of my life and it won't be a big deal. But now I am starting to see how keeping it inside is slowing eating away at me plus I just simply don't want to be fake with someone I love.

Any insights anyone can give would be greatly appreciated.

Hmm...that's a tough one if you ask me. I remember my ex telling me that she was having doubts about god. This of course was when I was still a theist. I took it personally for some reason. I thought she was confessing to wanting to be an undercover whore.

Be sure to communicate that it's not a personal attack on him. Some people tend to take things too personally. The bad reaction could be a perceived rejection of him since he believes. I remember watching a DarkMatter 2525 video on youtube. It dealt with why people react as if they just got rejected when it was actually god. The video suggested that people don't have a clear idea of god that distinguishes them from him. This could be due to no real working definition of god. Also people claim they've heard god when it was merely their conscience. I thought it was interesting.

8000 years before Jesus, the Egyptian god Horus said, "I am the way, the truth, the life."
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09-02-2014, 05:31 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(05-02-2014 05:54 PM)Pearl Wrote:  Hi everyone! I am really really wanting to tell my husband that I am an atheist but the last time I tried it ended up being a disaster and nearly ended our marriage. He basically told me if I didn't believe in God than I couldn't be with him so I back tracked and told him I did/NoUndecided
That was two years and since then I think he has made a little progress but I am not sure how to tell if he is ready for the truth or not. Obviously I don't want to risk our marriage but at the same time it doesn't fell like he is my true partner in life I am withholding such a huge part of my life from him ya know.
I just wish I could tell somehow if he has become more accepting of the idea or not.

Two years ago when I tried to tell him and it ended badly I just told myself it was no big deal, I can just live with this secret for the rest of my life and it won't be a big deal. But now I am starting to see how keeping it inside is slowing eating away at me plus I just simply don't want to be fake with someone I love.

Any insights anyone can give would be greatly appreciated.


This, I know, is a delicate issue. My significant other and I, (we live together but are not married) are both life long residents of south Mississippi. I can guarantee living in the "bible belt" is the most difficult place to be an atheist. I lended to the fact that I didn't really buy in to the ideas in the bible. After we'd been together for several years and I knew he was going to be in my life I slowly became more open with him and although he bucked at the idea for awhile he slowly began to accept that although my ideals are different than his he loves me just the same. Point being, your husband should do the same. He shouldn't say that if you don't think the same way he does that he doesn't want to be with you. My significant other chose not to tell him very religious family that I was an atheist, which is his personal choice and fine with me. If someone is willing to deal with all your other "imperfections" and differences then why not religion. My guy chooses to look at it as a hurdle in that he has to learn how to talk to me about situations sometimes differently which allows him to grow as a person. Tell your man that he is suppose to love you unconditionally, so states your vows via the Bible, and that your religious convictions shouldn't be excluded from that.Consider
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13-02-2014, 12:57 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
"Throughout history conversions happen at the point of a sword, deconversions at the point of a pen "
Full Circle - I have neighbors, Evangelicals, who go to Africa to help those villages without water. They dig a well but the price is converting to Christianity. I'm sure they go along with it and once the well is operating they return to their own beliefs. In the meantime the neighbors return speaking of how many they converted. It's not like anyone else is there to check this out.
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14-02-2014, 12:16 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(05-02-2014 06:20 PM)Mathilda Wrote:  I've just read your blog in your signature.

Obviously I don't know what your husband is like the rest of your time, but if he reacts like that when you even hint at not believing in God then I can't believe that he truly loves you. If you knew that someone truly loved you then you wouldn't be scared when they bring out a gun when they're angry. He obviously did that knowing the effect it would have on you.

This sentence particularly from your blog suggests that this may be an abusive relationship

"The gist of it however was that I was the lowest of the low, not worthy of love or compassion, a terrible person and no wife to him at all any longer. "

This is the kind of stuff gets said along with lines like "you're lucky to have me, no one else would want you"

If this is typical of him when you displease him and he really does leave you fearing for your life then coming out as an atheist is the least of your problems.

Thank you for your honest reply....I should have clarified that this is NOT his normal behavior thankfully. I think that is what got to me the most, the very fact that something like a discussion on god could make my husband do a complete 180 and act in a way that is so out of character. It worried me that the topic was that important to him and that because of that it may not be something he can get over.

http://iamtheclosetatheist.blogspot.com/
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14-02-2014, 12:21 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(05-02-2014 11:29 PM)morondog Wrote:  The fact that he threatened you with a pistol is extremely scary and troubling.

ok, i think I might have been to vague in my blog post about the whole pistol thing. He didn't threaten me with a gun, he simply went outside to shoot it off to let off some steam. I have never worried about him actually hurting me physically. Not trying to defend his action just want to be clear.

http://iamtheclosetatheist.blogspot.com/
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14-02-2014, 12:26 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(06-02-2014 05:27 AM)Mathilda Wrote:  Pearl, if you cannot be yourself then your husband is at the very most in love with someone he wants you to be.

I have soooooo pondered on this too many times to admit. It makes me so sad when I consider that this may in fact be the truthConfused

http://iamtheclosetatheist.blogspot.com/
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14-02-2014, 12:31 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
There's quite a few of here that are happily married to believers, and a few who have broken relationships because of difference in religion.

It depends on how much respect and tolerance there is. Some people can handle change - others can't and it is quite distressing. There is a level of freedom needed too. You need to be comfortable in your skin and your spouse needs to have the maturity to know that just because you are growing into a different person, doesn't mean your love has changed.

This applies to not just view on religion, but some people go back to school and begin new careers, or join clubs, learn new activities, etc.

You have to be ok with letting your loved one grow into who ever it is they are going to be and be confident in your love for each other.

We all deserve that freedom of expression, thought and liberty. Only you know if he is someone who can deal with change.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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14-02-2014, 12:36 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
(06-02-2014 05:27 AM)Mathilda Wrote:  A few questions. You mention in your blog about joining different churches. Was it his decision to join them? Do you have any say about such matters?

Ironically it was me that tugged him from church to church, I guess it was that part of me trying desperately looking and hoping to find some truth in all this religious junk so I could find something to cling onto to fit in. Whats funny is that I have always been the "religious leader" in our home, now I see that is because I was trying to make my mask seem real I suppose. Honestly I just really really wanted the truth and I dragged him along with me but unfortunately doing this exposed him to more religion and crazy ideals I think. Hubby is one of those blind followers type, thats how he was raised and its just his personality. I can take that journey and question things because I have always been very skeptical as part of my personality. Hubby on the other hand can't take that journey for the truth it seems because he gets so bogged down trying to be a better Christain, or Mormon or whatever. I don't know if I am explaining what I mean correctly, its hard to put in words. I feel guilty for taking him on my journey of "truth seeking" because I should have known he would get stuck along the way while I moved forward.No

http://iamtheclosetatheist.blogspot.com/
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14-02-2014, 12:37 PM
RE: how to gauge if you should tell a loved one your atheist?
Take some topics that don't really apply to you, like gay marriage, for instance. I'm guessing that your husband might be against it, try to walk him thru a conversation to see if you can get him to understand and see the other side of the coin.

If he can't put himself in someone else's shoes , then you might have a tougher time at this.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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