life without opium
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29-08-2013, 07:30 AM
life without opium
I hate my life, mostly. Everything is awful. my emotions are going left and right. ALl I fucking need is work and love. I hardly have either. Nobody likes to complain or get angry but fuck it what should I do? I sometimes want to end my life. What big thing can I do or risk can I take to make life pay off instead of doing something I"d regret or going on a slow slide downhill? Truth is it probably doesn't work that way. Work makes one free but I am studying and this is difficult for me to concentrate. I learn by doing.

Anyway essentially I am living life without the opium of religion and without the opium of masturbation and without the opium of television and I am trying to live in the real world and ween myself off facebook and internet. It's not me that chooses to live on these sites, but that when there is no one to talk to in the real world, or I lost the positive energy, I come online rather than burn bridges with men and women. I feel like the lack of opium has forced me to confront and endure a lot of pain, and that pain reveals the disorder and lack in my life. I want to accomplish something. I want love and respect, from a flesh and blood person.

I used to be positive and always smiled. I"m living in hell because of my choices. I still have chances and I try appreciate what I have. Yes will try again to appreciate what I have, i"m just fucking tired of losing. Fuck I hate losing constantly. I am so willing to give but nobody wants me to give my gifts. the worst isthey ignore me. I wasn't always impatient but now I am.

my religious friends give me things to smile about. they tell me I'm under demonic or satanic attack, or they quote the bible verses. Well I can be happy that I am not living under opium. I just need patience, defined as the ability to suffer, defined as the ability to carry. Yeah I am carrying a weight. I don't want to carry it anymore, therefore I lose my patience. I was carrying the wrong weight in the wrong direction for the wrong purpose for the wrong people.

I am not attached to the outcome, I just think the process is not working or it is too slow or I am concerned it is a bit of a lie, another lie. I want to do things but I don't feel approved or validated by society. I want to start a men's support group at university but I am afraid people will hate on us, so instead I hate on my self and deny my self my desires. When i am ready to realize my desires they are not realized because I did not prepare and work and sow and water my seeds. You can't plant in one day and reap the next but I can't do it because I just hate being alone, so alone, with low self esteem. At least I am not living under opium. there were so many religious christian groups at the events expo yesterday at university. Back at university at age 31, for my cpa. Anyway I see different things wrong with religion than maybe most of you. The politics of the radical right is one thing but I am interested in the subtle psychological effects on behavior and the soul and also on identity. I talked to a woman's group yesterday. I had to fake myself a little bit to make a connection

women think I need them like a mother, because I seem needy or impatient when in fact I need them like a woman but to be closer to me, to be more available and vulnerable as a woman. I'm a man who needs closeness not distance. nothing works for me, nothing can be too fast or too direct at this point, i have no patience, the minute I think something is possible my thoughts get in the way and I get into a different state of mind which ruins it all. I have no free will in this regard. free will is a lie. well then I can't blame myself, it still sucks but who can I blame?

Life without opium is interesting. I feel the drive so many times to consume the opium. the religious belief especially when people pressure me and the jerking off. Instead there is a third way, to drive with testosterone and fight with testosterone. This path is hard to climb especially when nobody understands and thinks you are crazy, i mean family and brothers and father and relations.

religion is a virus that got itself so deeply implanted in my mind. The Xians say it's not about religion but about relationship. well that's right that's what I need, relationship, but with a flesh and blood person. They are the best teachers. Relationships have taught me more than anything. romantic relationships have taught me more than anything but I don't feel in demand. but I need to man up and go after them not vice versa. But in that case I need confidence and self esteem and a life. the path upward is just so hard it feels like. So hard and tough as nails at least I"m not staying below smoking opium. i hate ideologies.

Sex heals. sometimes when you are depressed and down, only sex and money are the answer. that' why I hate to give money for sex, why would I pay for a gift I am giving someone? it is psychologically backwards and it would get me into the wrong habit of thought. I can also take pride in this. I can take pride in a lot, I just cannot control my emotions or attention and I go crazy. my sex is a gift to women who will receive it. if they don't receive it it is their loss as well as mine, it hurts me but how does one get around their attitude of independence?

Religion is man made but people insist upon it's dogmas. my friends are doing that, taking offense and being offensive to me, because they are threatened by the same reality that I am threatened by. Why can't reality be our friend? Why are we combat shy? So unwilling to fight and work for the truth of reality like dawkins and dennet and dickens and hitchens and ///// etc. we all learn to survive in the world. I hate coping mechanisms. I like victory. there is no substitute in the world for victory. There is no substitute for victory and in getting ther no substitute for working hard and bending the rules
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29-08-2013, 06:53 PM
RE: life without opium
What's wrong with the internet, masturbation and TV?

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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29-08-2013, 07:18 PM
RE: life without opium
I don't know why you've detoxed from these opiums, but I recognize the shattering of this life-altering event that is understanding the construct of religion and waking up from the dream that it is.

It's never easy to deal with this kind of "Ah hah!" moment, but if it's any consolation, I was struck by it nearly as hard.

You mention fantasizing about ending it. I went through that as well. It's a backpedal for the mind. Seriously one of the worst "fuck off, why NOW???" phases the mind can go through where things are so difficult to quantify now that the "opium" is gone so it might as well consider no longer being around.

That will pass. Depending on how long this has been going on (not just the backpedal, but all of this), if it is too much (and I do think from what you're writing that you're getting close to it) I suggest you seek help from those who are qualified to help as going through it alone is dangerous. The mind can be like a dark alleyway; if you don't know what to expect, it's best to go with company when dealing with what you feel is lurking.

I did, and it helped in ways you can't begin to imagine.

I'm hard on myself too; never knew any other way of life. What I've been able to do for myself is place a limit on how hard I am on myself; how much I can take and still remain functional. It might be a good start for you.

I was once asked if I felt freedom from my "Ah hah!" moment. No. It was more of a, "Oh, now I see the chains.".

Keep safe, Viking. Reality is subjective; make the best of it that you can.

Cheers,
CTS

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