love / death
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04-11-2012, 08:39 AM
love / death
I want to give a triggerwarning for this whole thread, just in case.
Anyone still dealing with someone close haveing died recently or still being grieving or depressed, should think twice about reading this.


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I just watched the season 4 final two episodes of House MD. Those where Amber dies (if anyone knows the series well enough to remember).
So at the end of the last episode, the whole team comes to see her a last time, you see Wilson crashing over the news and crying his eyes out, etc.

I saw this episode the third time now. I knew what was coming but still I had a few tears in my eyes.
Not because the acting was wonderful or so. I just thought of myself in the position.
I thought about being in the position of Wilson, holding my huns hands for the last time ever, and knowing that. Explaining to him, that he is going to die and there is no way around.

I thought about the psychological mess I was before I met him and that it is basically his fault, that nowadays I can think straight, not be suicidal and rarely depressive anymore. That it is his fault that I can love and trust again, open up to people, etc. Me being mentally this healthy is his fault and I am so scared that something, anything, could happen to him and I'd be alone again.

People die shortly after their livelong partners die. Animals die shortly after their master died... Is it the grieving, the pain?

I have never dealt with this kind of thought before, I have thought about death in general.
I have played it through, how I may react on any other of my family members dieing and my feelings are almost cold. Yes, I would be shocked if my brothers died. I would be sad and probably griefing if my mother died. About the rest, I couldn't care less.
But about my hubby... Only the thought hurts like crap. Could I die from him dieing because it would hurt that much?

No person, that close to me, has ever died. Actually apart from my grand grand mother, noone has died in my family, since I am alive. Therefore I can not relate at all.

Is anyone willing to explain the feeling of losing someone very special? I mean does it hurt physically? Or is it only psychologically?
I don't wanna cause a mental crash here, so please only report if you are sure you can deal with explaining the feeling!
Don't beat me up for asking this, noone is forced to tell. I am just scared as hell and would like to know. (Although if dieng from old age, I might die earlier anyway and that's just being realistic)

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04-11-2012, 10:25 AM
RE: love / death
(04-11-2012 08:39 AM)Leela Wrote:  I want to give a triggerwarning for this whole thread, just in case.
Anyone still dealing with someone close haveing died recently or still being grieving or depressed, should think twice about reading this.


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


I just watched the season 4 final two episodes of House MD. Those where Amber dies (if anyone knows the series well enough to remember).
So at the end of the last episode, the whole team comes to see her a last time, you see Wilson crashing over the news and crying his eyes out, etc.

I saw this episode the third time now. I knew what was coming but still I had a few tears in my eyes.
Not because the acting was wonderful or so. I just thought of myself in the position.
I thought about being in the position of Wilson, holding my huns hands for the last time ever, and knowing that. Explaining to him, that he is going to die and there is no way around.

I thought about the psychological mess I was before I met him and that it is basically his fault, that nowadays I can think straight, not be suicidal and rarely depressive anymore. That it is his fault that I can love and trust again, open up to people, etc. Me being mentally this healthy is his fault and I am so scared that something, anything, could happen to him and I'd be alone again.

People die shortly after their livelong partners die. Animals die shortly after their master died... Is it the grieving, the pain?

I have never dealt with this kind of thought before, I have thought about death in general.
I have played it through, how I may react on any other of my family members dieing and my feelings are almost cold. Yes, I would be shocked if my brothers died. I would be sad and probably griefing if my mother died. About the rest, I couldn't care less.
But about my hubby... Only the thought hurts like crap. Could I die from him dieing because it would hurt that much?

No person, that close to me, has ever died. Actually apart from my grand grand mother, noone has died in my family, since I am alive. Therefore I can not relate at all.

Is anyone willing to explain the feeling of losing someone very special? I mean does it hurt physically? Or is it only psychologically?
I don't wanna cause a mental crash here, so please only report if you are sure you can deal with explaining the feeling!
Don't beat me up for asking this, noone is forced to tell. I am just scared as hell and would like to know. (Although if dieng from old age, I might die earlier anyway and that's just being realistic)


It does hurt physically. As well as psychologically. And at first you think you are going mad because you do weird things. Like talk to the dead person, kiss pictures and odd shit like that. Makes you think you've gone nuts.

I was surprised by the physical pain although my mom had reported it when my dad died. It doesn't seem to make sense. It lasted only about a week.

I read the thread and am replying because avoiding it just prolonges the grieving. You have to take the bull by the horns and get it over with, because it will happen, like it or not. If you repress it, it just festers and erupts anyway. And takes longer to conquer.

Grieving doesn't kill you. Grieving is the body's way to adjust to the void that has been created. This void is filled with grief until you fill it with something else.

Grieving has definite stages but they are not in the same sequence or time frame for different people.

The initial stage is the worst, and myself, I did better NOT having people around all the time. There were no ceremonies and few casseroles. People annoyed the dickens out of me with all the inane comments, as well as they may be meant. Others do better if not alone at all... You'll know what you want when the time comes and just need to make it clear to others that this is what will happen. Never mind what others say or think, you take care of yourself, not them.

And yes, I did consider whether I wanted to go on living without him or not. I imagine people who believe in an afterlife have real issues - they want to join the person but the religion prohibits suicide.

I knew there was no joining him, and decided there was plenty in my life that made me want to hang around.

So you just go through the steps and it helps a lot to know what you are up against and what is going to come at you. Like with everything in life, educate yourself about grief and you will handle it a lot better.

Basically we are total creatures of habit, even if we lead a varied and interesting life. At dinner time, you put out two forks and knives, now you have to learn to use only one of each. For a time, everytime you have to remind yourself to use only one, grief strikes. Soon, you achieve a new habit and it won't trigger any grief. And so on and so on, situation by situation the grief drops off after exposure. Everything can trigger it - smells, sounds, tastes...

And it's like that with each situation that used to include him. Which means you have active grief for a minimum of one year, until all seasons and holidays etc etc have been experienced alone.

Missing the person never quite goes away unless you are very young. But the memories get more pleasant as you go, and are not accompanied with grief anymore.

I have adopted several animals whose owners died and none of them died. Well, eventually, but for other reasons and much later. So I don't agree with what you said about that.

You say you were suicidal - I have always seen suicide as a rational option. I am almost 60 and have considered it countless times in my life time. Evaluating the option is different from getting swept up in irrational feelings. I would never kill myself while I was emotionally in turmoil, and it all has to be planned out properly anyway IMO.

It's the end of an era when you lose a life partner, but it's not the end of your world. Humans hate change. This is a big change. In may ways, you are starting over.

Sooner or later you will find yourself about to do something you have done for the last few decades and you stop and ask yourself why you do it. You don't even like it. That's when you know you are healing. You discover little freedoms you never missed or were aware of. Like what TV program you watch. What you eat. When you eat, sleep or wake. Lots of things have just fallen into tune with your partner over the years. But they are not your way of doing things.

So you change these things one by one - sleep sooner or later or eat things he hated or whatever. And suddenly you realize that you are moving on.

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04-11-2012, 11:54 AM
RE: love / death
Thank you very much, Dom!

Basically I am so scared because I am only stable because of him, and I do not want to go back to my old mental me...
Also I know how much it already hurts, just not to be with him for an amount of time that I know. Like when I first got to Ireland, I still had to wait 9 months for him to come too. And Especially the first 3 months where horrible, and I was pretty depressive, crying a lot, etc.
So if that already hurts so much and so long, I am not sure I could survive the pain if he died... I don't know though.

I understand that not every pet dies when the owner dies or so, but I know they are grieving, too. Like I used to have two guinea pigs, they got very sick and one died. The other one was very sad and was looking for the dead one for a "long" time (long for a guineapig anyways).

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04-11-2012, 12:36 PM
RE: love / death
(04-11-2012 11:54 AM)Leela Wrote:  Thank you very much, Dom!

Basically I am so scared because I am only stable because of him, and I do not want to go back to my old mental me...
Also I know how much it already hurts, just not to be with him for an amount of time that I know. Like when I first got to Ireland, I still had to wait 9 months for him to come too. And Especially the first 3 months where horrible, and I was pretty depressive, crying a lot, etc.
So if that already hurts so much and so long, I am not sure I could survive the pain if he died... I don't know though.

I understand that not every pet dies when the owner dies or so, but I know they are grieving, too. Like I used to have two guinea pigs, they got very sick and one died. The other one was very sad and was looking for the dead one for a "long" time (long for a guineapig anyways).


Yep, husband's dog is also depressed still, it's been 10 months. But he has joyful times too.

Crying does not equal being clinically depressed. But, the first week or so after a death when there is actual physical pain probably qualifies.

You probably don't give yourself enough credit.

Your husband was the catalyst for YOU changing YOURSELF. No one can change you but you. Once you are up and running, you don't need a catalyst to maintain the change.

So IMO it is incorrect when you attribute your present and future mental state to him. Plus it's an unfair burden to put on him, even if only in your mind. And it creates an unhealthy dependency.

You are right to be grateful to him for being the catalyst. But, he is no longer what keeps you sane. You keep yourself sane. His presence may make it easier to stay happy, but happiness and sanity are not the same.

Yep, you're going to be one unhappy lady when he dies. That does NOT affect your sanity, even though it can seem that way and I thought I was going bonkers too. And so did every other woman in that situation, we all feel like crap and do weird things that make us doubt our sanity.

If and when the time comes, find someone in the same boat as you. It helps enormusly to be aware that others go through exactly the same thing.

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04-11-2012, 01:03 PM
RE: love / death
Dom,
That is what I don't know. If I would be able to stay stable. I am not burdening him, I am the same for him. He stabalized due to me and I know that, too.
Well I do hope that I don't outlive him. Probably that is a little egoistic. Sorry for that. But the pain, that I only imagine... I don't know if I want to go through that. I know from experience that as long as I have pets, I am not going completely insane, no matter what, so that would probably help in that case. Would help me more than people, because I like animals a lot.

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04-11-2012, 01:27 PM
RE: love / death
Although It's good to be prepared, I don't think you should spend a lot of energy in trying to imagine what you would do if you loose someone dear to you. When time comes, you WILL be there and you WILL go on.

The initial shock of a loss can be softened by medication. There is no use in trying to be stronger then you are in such case. You'll need the energy later. When time comes, the grieving process might sneak up on you. That's when you will need to be strong.

In my case, the grief it did not physically hurt, but there was this massive massive massive sense of frustration that, without any way of fixing it even one tiny bit, things happened and it was up to me to give them room in my life.
"There you go Observer. Now stop complaining, carry the weight and fuck off! " No going left, right or back. This is really really hard to digest.

I have some advice to anyone though...

The first one is counter intuitive but i will dispense it anyway... Wink
Don't take advice... Big Grin
I'ts YOUR grief, YOUR burden and YOUR path... Don't let anyone tell you what you need, how you need to carry it or what you need to do. I listened to all of it, nodded politely, thanked them and then continued my own journey an search. Much to the amazement of many, I turned out stronger then they expected.

The second advice is more important.
Leave no stone unturned!
I was able to give my parents a place in my hearth because nothing was unsaid/unfinished/untouched. I consider both mom and dad as my peers.

It's the best advice I can give to anyone that's afraid to lose a loved one.
Although some detail pages of that book you write together will remain blank once they're gone, make sure that at least the story is complete.

Observer

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Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
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04-11-2012, 02:33 PM
RE: love / death
(04-11-2012 01:27 PM)Observer Wrote:  Although It's good to be prepared, I don't think you should spend a lot of energy in trying to imagine what you would do if you loose someone dear to you. When time comes, you WILL be there and you WILL go on.

The initial shock of a loss can be softened by medication. There is no use in trying to be stronger then you are in such case. You'll need the energy later. When time comes, the grieving process might sneak up on you. That's when you will need to be strong.

In my case, the grief it did not physically hurt, but there was this massive massive massive sense of frustration that, without any way of fixing it even one tiny bit, things happened and it was up to me to give them room in my life.
"There you go Observer. Now stop complaining, carry the weight and fuck off! " No going left, right or back. This is really really hard to digest.

I have some advice to anyone though...

The first one is counter intuitive but i will dispense it anyway... Wink
Don't take advice... Big Grin
I'ts YOUR grief, YOUR burden and YOUR path... Don't let anyone tell you what you need, how you need to carry it or what you need to do. I listened to all of it, nodded politely, thanked them and then continued my own journey an search. Much to the amazement of many, I turned out stronger then they expected.

The second advice is more important.
Leave no stone unturned!
I was able to give my parents a place in my hearth because nothing was unsaid/unfinished/untouched. I consider both mom and dad as my peers.

It's the best advice I can give to anyone that's afraid to lose a loved one.
Although some detail pages of that book you write together will remain blank once they're gone, make sure that at least the story is complete.


Very true. And the circumstances can also make it easier or harder, there is just no telling and no preparation until the time comes.

And chances are it won't happen the way you think and you won't react the way you think. There is no norm. But there are a lot of shared experiences.

And make sure you know where the darn barn key is! Big Grin

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04-11-2012, 02:42 PM
RE: love / death
(04-11-2012 02:33 PM)Dom Wrote:  And make sure you know where the darn barn key is! Big Grin

I don't get that one... Confused

Observer

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Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
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04-11-2012, 02:52 PM
RE: love / death
(04-11-2012 02:42 PM)Observer Wrote:  
(04-11-2012 02:33 PM)Dom Wrote:  And make sure you know where the darn barn key is! Big Grin


I don't get that one... Confused


Don't worry about it. It's a joke of sorts. Big Grin For me it was the barn key I couldn't find after my husband died, but it could be any lose end.

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04-11-2012, 03:03 PM
RE: love / death
Ohh... I see

In my case... I'm still looking for the contact coordinates of mom and dad's Slovenian friends. Those people still don't know what happened...

Observer

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