love / death
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04-11-2012, 05:41 PM
RE: love / death
(04-11-2012 03:03 PM)Observer Wrote:  Ohh... I see

In my case... I'm still looking for the contact coordinates of mom and dad's Slovenian friends. Those people still don't know what happened...


Exactly. There seems to be always something, whether one prepared for it or not...

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05-11-2012, 04:24 AM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2012 04:34 AM by Birdguy1979.)
RE: love / death
I am quite a bit different from everyone else it seems. My grandfather died about 2 years ago. When he finally went after being in so much pain for so long, I was sad. I was sad for myself though. He lived a full life and had not only two kids, but 3 grandkids as well. The sadness was for myself. Knowing that he was the final grandfather I had that was still alive. Now I am down to a single grandparent for as long as she goes (failing health, so I can't imagine more than a few years). That takes me one step closer to my own death in my mind. As far as my wife is concerned, I love her deeply. That being said, I am used to life sucking. Losing her anytime soon would feel like getting stabbed in the heart. I know that I would continue on though, and so would suppress my emotions. It might seem cold, but losing her would put a hole in me that cannot be easily fixed. So, cold as it might be when it comes to death I am more sad for myself. It is not because I don't miss people, it is that I am an atheist. I don't get to look forward to seeing them again. They are simply gone, as I will be some day. I also need to include that my reaction would be based on how it happened. If we have grown old together and had a good life and it is just time to go, I can live with that. An accident though, I am not sure. My wife is having surgery in December. If something happened then, I know I would find it hard to live with that. If she got killed by a drunk driver, I would have to wait and see what the drunks punnishment was. If he/she walked (no charges filed, found not guilty, or only a few months in prison for what is essentially murder), I would spend a while in prison as well because I would have to cancel that shit head out. Of course if we have kids, I could not allow myself to be put in prison, so I would have to take steps to make sure that the piece of garbage was never able to drive again but not kill him/her. So as I was saying, I weigh everything about the death before I react. Someone old and ready to go that lived a full life, I find it easy to say goodbye. Someone young being robbed of life, I have a serious issue with.
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05-11-2012, 07:49 AM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2012 07:53 AM by Misanthropik.)
RE: love / death
Quite frankly, while I understand why you're asking questions about this, it's actually quite unhealthy to be doing so, because it's only feeding your worry. True, learning more about something can give one a sense of control and thus ease the uneasy feelings, but it seems to me that you're asking questions about this out of pure fear.

If I may; I'd recommend you stop asking questions that reinforce your fears and instead ask "How can I stop dwelling on this?"

When I was a teenager, I used to worry that I'd have a sudden brain aneurysm and drop dead at random. Could it happen? Yes. Has it happened to people? Yes. Is it a justified worry? Yes. Is it worth worrying about? No. Because sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't. You can't dwell on the possibilities all the time or you'll drive yourself up a wall.

Don't worry about hubby. He's fine. He's not gonna be picking House up from the bar any time soon, so don't worry about the "what if's". Smoke some weed and chill it. Thumbsup

(Edit: I realize I make it sound easier than it actually is. But worry was my only childhood friend and Psychology is my major. You need any support, drop me a message)

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
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05-11-2012, 08:52 AM
RE: love / death
(05-11-2012 04:24 AM)Birdguy1979 Wrote:  I am quite a bit different from everyone else it seems. My grandfather died about 2 years ago. When he finally went after being in so much pain for so long, I was sad. I was sad for myself though. He lived a full life and had not only two kids, but 3 grandkids as well. The sadness was for myself. Knowing that he was the final grandfather I had that was still alive. Now I am down to a single grandparent for as long as she goes (failing health, so I can't imagine more than a few years). That takes me one step closer to my own death in my mind. As far as my wife is concerned, I love her deeply. That being said, I am used to life sucking. Losing her anytime soon would feel like getting stabbed in the heart. I know that I would continue on though, and so would suppress my emotions. It might seem cold, but losing her would put a hole in me that cannot be easily fixed. So, cold as it might be when it comes to death I am more sad for myself. It is not because I don't miss people, it is that I am an atheist. I don't get to look forward to seeing them again. They are simply gone, as I will be some day. I also need to include that my reaction would be based on how it happened. If we have grown old together and had a good life and it is just time to go, I can live with that. An accident though, I am not sure. My wife is having surgery in December. If something happened then, I know I would find it hard to live with that. If she got killed by a drunk driver, I would have to wait and see what the drunks punnishment was. If he/she walked (no charges filed, found not guilty, or only a few months in prison for what is essentially murder), I would spend a while in prison as well because I would have to cancel that shit head out. Of course if we have kids, I could not allow myself to be put in prison, so I would have to take steps to make sure that the piece of garbage was never able to drive again but not kill him/her. So as I was saying, I weigh everything about the death before I react. Someone old and ready to go that lived a full life, I find it easy to say goodbye. Someone young being robbed of life, I have a serious issue with.


This discussion was about losing a long time life partner. There is a HUGE difference between losing someone you shared all day every day for 30 years with and your grandpa. Your reaction to grandpa's death is totally normal and expected.

You really have no idea how you will react - no one does. It is different from person to person, and depends a lot on what stage of your life you are in and how entwined your daily life was with the dead person.

I have to agree that grief is not actually about the other person (unless something horrific happened to them, then a whole other slew of emotions gets added) but about YOUR loss. The dead have no losses. It is your body and brain revolting against the loss.

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05-11-2012, 09:07 AM
RE: love / death
Dom is fucking awesome. There it is. Thumbsup

About this other stuff... House? Dodgy

I mean, thread starts with "trigger warnings" (for which I feel this forum is too advanced to require) and then goes on to talk about a TV show?!?!

I'm pulling your chain, Leela. The thing is, don't simulate stupid shit. It's like people simulating death, and going - oh, there's nothing! I'm all scairt and shit! But, lookit, there ain't no "nothing," what happens there, is imagination getting all riled from false assumptions. Like this "infinite blackness," (ooh!) and then they see their hands... Dodgy

I call it "monkey on the simulator." It's like, we got this "inner monkey" that is the AI for all the basic biological functions, and it tries to run the advanced graphics programming for shit it don't know shit about. Ever since I visualized chasing the monkey off the simulator, I am quite unable to fear death. I have seen Void. Death is the best part of life. Never convince me otherwise. Like now, with a modicum of stress, trying to express the peace of oblivion, much less stressful to be there.

Oh. Prolly shoulda put up the "trigger warnings" - I'm a psychopath - your emotions are likely to differ.

The simulation that gives me shit is "no Gwynnies." Then I'll die. Simple.

But what has been said once is prolly worth repeating. Don't sweat the "what if,' but rather treasure the now. You love someone that much, get to loving. Don't be all "I don't know what I'd do without you," be all "what am I gonna do with you today." And then do it. Heart

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05-11-2012, 11:21 AM
RE: love / death
I think describing the pain you feel is like describing the love you have for that person.... words will never do it justice.

I think there is a fine line that people have mentioned between undue worrying and actually talking about death with loved ones. Death is inevitable and whilst it cant be planned for psychologically it can be planned for financially and knowing the last persons wishes. My dad was a big advocate of organ donation and he helped other people after his death by donating. He wanted to be cremated and his and my mums ashes are in a garden of remembrance in the Derbyshire hills they used to love rambling around.

My sister enjoys visiting there and I think I understand why people do see a lot of importance in visiting/tending graves.... for me though the person is in your heart/minds, thats where my "shrine" lays

Your right about animals knowing. When we got back from the hospital after my dad died I was in shock and it wasnt until I went into the front room and saw my dads chair with our jack russel lying in it looking destitute that it hit me. I will say that 15 years on the very real pain we go through leaves scars, but you just have to get on with life and now it is more often smiles when I think of them than frowns. So as impossible or as incomprehensible the concept may be in the fear of being faced with loss you do adapt to it and you do go on.

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

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09-11-2012, 10:07 AM
RE: love / death
Just little heads-up. I think I kinda got over it. I am not good with change that I did not plan out myself (this goes for pretty much all things in live) and so I didn't exactly want to plan for it but I was curious what it is like. But now I understand that it is different for everyone and can't be known before.

I thought about what you guys said.
Dom, Misanthropik, and bemore deserve special thanks, I found your posts very helpful.
HoC as usual gave me pretty much a big "HUH???" for about half of his post but don't we love him for that? Big Grin

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