my father my curse
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14-08-2013, 03:56 PM
my father my curse
What a curse my father is to me. He's such a nice guy, friendly, who can hate him? but he's a joke, a pathetic excuse for a man. he was born on 3rd base and thinks he hit a triple. He's a hang-glider, he was born with a business inheritance (farm) and retired at 45 to sell it off and do nothing but sit on his ass and pretend to be a good human being, a religious conservative who spends his time listening to conservative talk shows and going to church. I am back home since 18, to live, to go to the university and study something worthwhile financially, finally,which is economics. I am just at home right now and I realize the influences that shaped me. He found a condom that fell out of my pocket and he said we need to have a sex talk. He said God doesn't want sex before marriage. I know I need a job so I've been looking hard and then I will look for a place to stay. I have been home for less than 48 hours now, but this is my biggest priority and it is essential, but he doesn't put any pressure on me. In fact he distracts me. He just distracts me. In fact so does my mother and my brother (who is also in town at the moment) and people I grew up with in general but I hold my dad more responsible because he is after all the man. The wife makes the decisions at least 50 percent. I came back home with my best friend from childhood, from minneapolis, and his parents are so different. His dad is a father and someone people respect, and who made his own way, and you can see and feel the difference. My dad likes to joke. He likes to talk. I cannot take him seriously, he is a 50 percent person, which means he gets in the way of people who want to walk the path, or at least in the way of me. I would avoid him because my path is different but for now I am stuck until I get work. Arbeit macht frei. That is my new mantra because it is true. More than sex or anything I am seeking work. I feel I'm on the course to become a loser in life. I feel he is a big part of the reason I am cursed. This is not about playing the victim. This is about discovering causes so that I can escape from them. This is about a plan of escape, a prison break, because I feel trapped even as a 31 year old. He is the one who taught me to believe in God and even worse, to be a "good person". I never see him get angry. Ever. Even when it is surely justified. Even now there is a way he is able to get into my brain, kind of like a buddy who hooks you into his reality. Nobody hates him but how can I like him? He is the reason I am circumcised. What kind of father does this? He gave me no career guidance, but religion and circumcision.

I found my identity and my heritage and country in Germany. I found manhood through toil and struggle, and consciousness. I found freedom through knowledge and true reason. I found power through--- I haven't found power yet but I think I will find it through not masturbating or watching porn or visiting prostitutes or watching tv or doing anything that steals from me, and through fighting and working and through true reason.

I don't know if I"m becoming cynical or optimistic or what. I do know I am just trying to get on with my walk. I feel a bit like Henry Ford or Arthur Schopenhauer or the local guy here Ralph Engelstadt, only unlike them I have little accomplishments in the outside world. I have an attitude of entitlement because I was raised that way, and it is not conscious but subconscious. I feel I lack agency and power. I have all these visions and desires and initiatives. I don't trust anything in this country, not wall street, not washington, not hollywood. Who can I turn to? that is what I am getting at? One can only rely on oneself, and have a spirit that wills to work and fight. My dad has neither. He's a good man. I guess that must manifest his deepest desire, to be seen as good and safe, but he gets in my way so much, whereas I would rather hate and be hated (not by everybody but whom I choose). It can be good to have enemies as well as friends.

I don't want to be around talkers. I want to learn to be forceful and get my needs met in the social plane. Today I talked to my academic adviser. I looked her in the eye. I told her what I wanted. My "dad" never looks me in the eye. He thinks we are always on the same wavelength. I have been made into a neurotic hamlet character. I have a picture on my facebook with me with a sword, from the fair and one with a battle axe. I got so many likes on that picture, it told me something. My friend said finally I don't look like a pussy. I never knew I looked like a pussy before. I don't care about appearance except when and as it matters. I don't care about being popular, except for pragmatic functional reasons, when it matters for my aims. I do care about being social and having friends and hobbies, for it's own reason. All four of us, P and S and my brother and me, we went through a depression recently. P is on top of the world. He has worked hard, recovered from addictions. he believes in god,but doesn't seem to take the rules as seriously as I did. I cannot follow a path unless it's 100 percent. that's why when I"m xian I am xian through and through, and when I reject it, I abandon it. I don't break rules. I simply determine what I believe in and live that way.

I feel so cursed by this guy,and by my family in general. I don't hate them. In fact it is just very sticky. I have yet to find full freedom, and I might not ever have it before death. I love girls and I am a healthy guy but I can't get them. I value myself and have good self esteem on a deep level but on the surface maybe I get a little down, sometimes. I know the reason behind all my problems with work and women and all. It is this: I haven't found my place. Other people close to me are too strong in their reality and frame and I get sucked in no matter how I try to fight it. I get sucked in like under a waterfall when you fell off your boat, it takes you around for a spin and I have to just let go.It is painful in the brain. Oh and doesn't the world want to colonize your brain? The media and academia and family life, and religion, they are all trying to colonize your brain, whether you share their beliefs or not. My theory is the left brain is what is conditioned more through logical bullshit and is easily distracted. THE right brain or the body can be demoralized and intimidated and it's testosterone lowered. I get stuck. I get apathetic, about everything. I cannot do anything. I am jammed. My friends and family are my biggest enemies. I need a male space, a men's group. Well I got to get to work planning things at the university. I want to make and join groups and be active and great in my studies, but first must come work and study. Better than a blow job is a job. Better than sex is business and independence. I am not following religion anymore, or the idea of God. The idea of god puts everyone to sleep. Why do we call god the father? And then the lord? Because we want to trust him like a father. Maybe there is some force or being even out there, but he is not as conceived by the world. All our conceptions of him must surely be wrong but we put them onto other people, because people believe what the group believes. There is power in the group. But I know that when talking to someone, to look them in the eye, you can get at the root of a matter. I will force my father to look me in the eye when speaking to me, and get serious, otherwise we will be like oil and water. I will take care of this matter and then free myself through work and struggle. Arbeit macht frei. I am just terrorized. Really truly terrorized sometimes. Real deep anxiety that I could always be enchained. How do I fully let go, how do I abandon him? I need to be a man, with a shovel and a sword, rough around the edges. Fuck the jokers, fuck all male authority, and even more fuck non male authority, women and children and institutions ruling the planet and politicians. I am my own and my future girlfriend's man. what a waste of time having to sort out all this bullshit
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14-08-2013, 04:38 PM
RE: my father my curse
i feel I'm a horse that's being ridden, and I can't throw my rider. They are riding my brain and my mind and my heart. their help is the worst. I wish they could give me a job or what they need and the pressure, or else they would throw me out to survive on my own. their help is almost worthless. They are all voyeurs into what I"m up to because they don't have their own lives. Oh poor twisted me. I have to find my identity and my power and my means. I have no means. I am a man without means. What kind of man has no means? And hence no value or attractiveness, or else at least no confidence. They set my expectations so high and gave me so few tools or insights. Then they accuse me of thinking too much. then they all want to play and spend but how can I do that when I don't have cashflow or a place? My life is built now on respect. People are going to respect me and my boundaries and limits or they are going to suffer or lose. Everywhere, in every sphere. I don't respect rights. Words are devalued in our age when accusation are leveled so easily. I am just going to do what I want without guilt or fear, poor mistreated me. I pity not myself. I am apathetic though. How can I have passion? I don't even have anymore passion to destroy anything anymore, and I don't have hope or confidence, neither do I have doubt or disbelief. I am dead though I live. Hope is something I must be careful about investing in. why was I born, why did the universe bear me? For what purpose? Why am I here? To be a sport for the gods?
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