new atheist
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19-04-2015, 11:43 PM
new atheist
Hey all,

Just joined the TTA and I've got a question that I'd love to get some feedback on. A little back-story: I am a very new atheist. I've only come out of fundamental Christianity since November 2014. There is so much to explain about how this transformation happened, but I don't want to be long winded. I feel relief and freedom in my new found understanding that there is probably not a god. However, the one negative consequence of my atheism has been that my relationship with my wife has been totally destroyed.

I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, but I am not sure if she loves me anymore. To her, Jesus is the most important thing on earth. To make matters more difficult, we have three wonderful boys together. I don't want to ruin there lives, but I'm not sure if I have a choice in that.

Most of the trouble that religion has caused between myself and my wife directly feeds back to sex and sexuality. She has a very fundamental/biblical literalistic viewpoint. To sum it up, she thinks I am completely morally bankrupt in this matter. And to make matters worse, she is not willing to have a conversation with me about her beliefs and if there is any good reason to believe the bible. I understand that a person does not come out of indoctrination over night. However, I m at the end of my rope and I'm really not sure if we are going to make it. Which makes me very sad, because despite our religious differences, I absolutely love her.

Is there anyone else who experienced a similar situation when becoming an atheist? If so, I'd love to hear how the process went, good or bad. Thank you.
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20-04-2015, 12:02 AM
RE: new atheist
Thread moved to Personal Issues and Support

Hi and welcome.

All I can say is that you are not alone in this so with luck you'll get much empathy if not detailed solutions.

From what you write, it would appear to be that one approach might be to show your wife that you may have changed your beliefs but your beliefs have not changed you.

She is in shock, perhaps, and her reaction, although disappointing, is entirely normal.

Help her through this... show her how you feel... no words or explanations will work ... demonstrate what she means to you in how you behave.

Good luck

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20-04-2015, 03:08 AM
RE: new atheist
I'm going through something similar - just a little farther down the road than you.

I'm now in the middle of a divorce - we have a son. This is the worst experience I've ever been through. I've lost so much.

I became an atheist last April and came out to my Christian husband in May. He took it as a personal attack. By December he wouldn't look at me, and would only talk to me (mostly via text message) about things directly related to our son. He's back to being friendly again -I'm not sure if it's worse. He's acting like the man I loved for so many years, not the passive aggressive asshole from last year. But he's completely over me romantically - he said as much in our 90 minute phone call today.


Shower your wife with love and maybe you'll get through to her and save your marriage. If not - divorce hurts like hell, but it doesn't *actually* kill you. Despite the heaviness in my chest I'm still breathing in and out.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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20-04-2015, 06:52 AM
RE: new atheist
I would focus your energy on your relationship and not on religion. Its a matter of do you want to be right? or do you want to be married?


clearly your relationship isnt in a position to discuss matters of belief calmly without anyone getting very upset. so just stop.


come here to discuss your atheism, talk to your partner about that relationship.

look thru this section, many, many people come here with the same issue, you will find similar answers in them.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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20-04-2015, 09:56 AM
RE: new atheist
What Bows and Arrows said!

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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21-04-2015, 01:59 PM (This post was last modified: 21-04-2015 02:06 PM by dirtstar.)
RE: new atheist
Unfortunately this is a scenario that plays out again and again. It truly is one, that I believe, leaves the blood squarely on the knife of religion.

I too have been victimized. Here's a song I wrote I hope you find helps describe how you feel. Don't forget to view the lyrics and remember to breathe. Thumbsup

https://soundcloud.com/jthurston58/absurdities

If you like it feel free to share!
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21-04-2015, 02:09 PM
RE: new atheist
Quote:To her, Jesus is the most important thing on earth.


There is no solution to that, friend. At least not one that you want to hear. If she prefers fairy tales to reality you are in for a rocky road. And so is she.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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22-04-2015, 06:24 AM
RE: new atheist
This isn't what you'll want to hear so read it own risk: At one time religion just didn't matter to the wife and I. There were other things that took up life's time. Then 9/11 and other issues brought it up. She believed (somewhat) but I guess I really didn't but hadn't really gave it much thought. Now we both view it as bullshit. I'm glad it's that way. I don't think I could have any respect for her if she believed. I could still love her but intellectually she would seem lacking. Not sure I could stick around if that were the case. I'd give it my best shot to "fix" her brain but I would long for a person of equal intelligence.
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22-04-2015, 06:42 AM
RE: new atheist
said another way, she has a right to her belief just as you have a right to your non belief.

I am married to a believer. He does his thing (he isnt very vocal or active so its easy) and I do mine. I don't have the need to be exactly like my spouse. We have other things we disagree on too. And at the end of the day, what we really care about is what we are having for dinner, did someone walk the dog? what is going with the kids, etc. Religion is just a smidgen of the things in our life.

so...what do you want from your relationship? a spouse that mirrors you? or are you ok with your spouse being who ever it is they are? don't you have any other things/topics in your life that you have in common? focus on those.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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22-04-2015, 07:20 AM
new atheist
It's so easy to fake being a Christian. Why not play along? You probably play along with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny so why not one more fairy tale?
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