off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
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07-12-2013, 02:15 AM
off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Hello,

I am going to try to keep this short (FAILED) because I'm emotionally taxed right now. I've been crying for the past 2.5 hours holding my girlfriend..my best friend. What I say may be fragmented and non-fluid. But these are my feelings as they pour out onto the keyboard.

Seeing her cry is the most painful thing. If she was indifferent and it was only me that was sad it would be so much easier...but that isn't how this works. She and I have a beautiful relationship. Really. We are silly, she listens to me. she is generous and sweet, I try to be the same in return. We never do anything hurtful towards each other. We never fight.

But...I don't know if anybody else can relate, but she really is my closest friend at the moment. I can't say anybody else knows more about me or is as accepting of me as she is. And I am the same for her. And she is definitely beautiful, a gorgeous girl, I find her very attractive. I just...I don't feel like she is the one I want to spend my life with. It's been 2 years and 10 months for us. I feel like if we keep going on I'll just be wasting her time, and mine. I greatly enjoy being with her, but I do want to find somebody who I would like to marry and start a family with. Part of this may be the fact that she is my first *real life* girlfriend (I have a complicated and semi tragic dating history before her). I met her before I was independent. Now I'm pretty set in my career and I'm getting into a stage where I want to buy a house, get a pet, and get married. I can't just be with her because I love being with her...not when I can't commit. And make no mistake, she is NOT pressuring me at all. This is me pressuring myself, trying to do what is best for both of us.

So anyways, we had this talk...in April, more or less describing what I said above, and we decided to put it off. Tonight, I brought the talk back up. And gosh it hurts. She cried, I cried. It's just so damn sad. We have decided to make the most of December and enjoy being together just a little bit longer, and then finalize our relationship on new years eve. I know many people probably would think that is a bad idea. But I think it is appropriate for us.

I care about her more than anybody else. I want her to be happy. I'm causing her sadness. She is completely in love with me. She says she doesn't think she will ever feel this way about anybody else. During our entire crying time we just hugged and told each other all of the things we love about each other. There was no anger, just sadness.

I wish my feelings weren't so complicated. That I just could just feel like I could be satisfied with her as a life partner. But...I can't help but wonder what would make me happiest...and not knowing what that is. She is my best friend, but she and I really don't have much in common aside from our feelings towards one another, our sense of humor, and our general dislike of arrogance, manipulation, and dickishness.

I'm so lucky to have found her. I'm so stupid for wanting to leave her. But to be honest with myself, I need to know more about the world (and myself) before I can feel comfortable settling down.

Thank you for reading, for those who read. One more month of enjoying my time with this wonderful girl. I really hope she and I will always be friends, but I know I have no right to expect her to feel comfortable around me in a purely platonic capacity. That is her decision. Gosh...even as I type this, I wonder if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.
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07-12-2013, 04:12 AM (This post was last modified: 07-12-2013 04:34 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(07-12-2013 02:15 AM)Adrianime Wrote:  I can't just be with her because I love being with her.. She is completely in love with me. She says she doesn't think she will ever feel this way about anybody else. ... I wish my feelings weren't so complicated. That I just could just feel like I could be satisfied with her as a life partner. But...I can't help but wonder what would make me happiest...and not knowing what that is.

The fuck's wrong with you? Something ain't fucking right in your head. She could be a fucking toad and you'd be a fool not to partner up with that sorta love. ... Can she keep the books? 'Cause that's always a plus. Thumbsup

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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07-12-2013, 04:17 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
.....

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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07-12-2013, 04:36 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
As a pragmatic guy, I agree with GirlyMan. Yes

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07-12-2013, 05:55 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(07-12-2013 02:15 AM)Adrianime Wrote:  Hello,

I am going to try to keep this short (FAILED) because I'm emotionally taxed right now. I've been crying for the past 2.5 hours holding my girlfriend..my best friend. What I say may be fragmented and non-fluid. But these are my feelings as they pour out onto the keyboard.

Seeing her cry is the most painful thing. If she was indifferent and it was only me that was sad it would be so much easier...but that isn't how this works. She and I have a beautiful relationship. Really. We are silly, she listens to me. she is generous and sweet, I try to be the same in return. We never do anything hurtful towards each other. We never fight.

But...I don't know if anybody else can relate, but she really is my closest friend at the moment. I can't say anybody else knows more about me or is as accepting of me as she is. And I am the same for her. And she is definitely beautiful, a gorgeous girl, I find her very attractive. I just...I don't feel like she is the one I want to spend my life with. It's been 2 years and 10 months for us. I feel like if we keep going on I'll just be wasting her time, and mine. I greatly enjoy being with her, but I do want to find somebody who I would like to marry and start a family with. Part of this may be the fact that she is my first *real life* girlfriend (I have a complicated and semi tragic dating history before her). I met her before I was independent. Now I'm pretty set in my career and I'm getting into a stage where I want to buy a house, get a pet, and get married. I can't just be with her because I love being with her...not when I can't commit. And make no mistake, she is NOT pressuring me at all. This is me pressuring myself, trying to do what is best for both of us.

So anyways, we had this talk...in April, more or less describing what I said above, and we decided to put it off. Tonight, I brought the talk back up. And gosh it hurts. She cried, I cried. It's just so damn sad. We have decided to make the most of December and enjoy being together just a little bit longer, and then finalize our relationship on new years eve. I know many people probably would think that is a bad idea. But I think it is appropriate for us.

I care about her more than anybody else. I want her to be happy. I'm causing her sadness. She is completely in love with me. She says she doesn't think she will ever feel this way about anybody else. During our entire crying time we just hugged and told each other all of the things we love about each other. There was no anger, just sadness.

I wish my feelings weren't so complicated. That I just could just feel like I could be satisfied with her as a life partner. But...I can't help but wonder what would make me happiest...and not knowing what that is. She is my best friend, but she and I really don't have much in common aside from our feelings towards one another, our sense of humor, and our general dislike of arrogance, manipulation, and dickishness.

I'm so lucky to have found her. I'm so stupid for wanting to leave her. But to be honest with myself, I need to know more about the world (and myself) before I can feel comfortable settling down.

Thank you for reading, for those who read. One more month of enjoying my time with this wonderful girl. I really hope she and I will always be friends, but I know I have no right to expect her to feel comfortable around me in a purely platonic capacity. That is her decision. Gosh...even as I type this, I wonder if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.

Now, I don't got no experience in these matters, but seems to me that if the both of you are happy enough with each other to be highly upset by the decision, I think that dun speak volumes for your collective potential as a possible pair.

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07-12-2013, 08:44 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
I had a similar situation (not quite as severe as yours), but it's possible the same concepts apply, so take it as you will. My girlfriend (at the time) and I were pretty great together, we never really fought, we loved being around each other, and we shared a sort of mental connection that was a little bit unreal (we would sometimes go to the library and read and talk about it, she loved Christopher Hitchens, even when she was a Christian), and sexually we were very compatible and she was probably the prettiest girl I've ever known. We were practically inseparable, and she was also my best friend. Then I went off to camp for 5 days and I didn't have my phone and everything changed.

Not being with her for five days, I got a chance to sort of look at our relationship from a different perspective, and it got me to question it, and I couldn't stop. This went on for two weeks, and I talked to her about it, we both cried, we were both really upset, and neither of us understood, but I knew that I needed a break from her because five days started me thinking, but it wasn't enough time in that capacity to help me reach a conclusion. So we took a break, and there was some sort of misunderstanding and we didn't talk for a while, but then after three months, I decided to talk to her again, and we got back together. In this second relationship I was able to have a better opinion of her, and I saw her as she truly was and realized that I didn't like it. She was basically insane and basically agreed with everything I said as if I were some sort of deity, we weren't in a relationship, she was worshiping me, stroking my ego (along with other things), taking my word as gospel. She hadn't lost her faith during our relationship, she replaced it. Eventually I brought her to see me as a terrible person (by breaking my own gospel) and got her to break up with me.

Anyways, the point is, your girlfriend may not be a kook like mine was, but there may be something you are only realizing on a very subconscious level and trying to ignore because of your relationship. You can't explain it to us because you can't yet understand it yourself, but I have a feeling it's there because how you're feeling is exactly how I feel. Trust yourself, you know what's best for you, you understand yourself better than you think you do.
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07-12-2013, 08:49 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
I can kind of understand this feeling, actually. When I was in college I dated a guy for a little over a year who to this day still has a special place in my heart. And we still chat briefly every now and then. But like you, there came a time when I felt like I had to move on. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was a feeling I couldn't even name then, but what I've come to call my wanderlust. I live on change. It was hard to be friends after being in a relationship though. Good luck.
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07-12-2013, 09:00 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
I think you both should love to the best of your ability and let the future play itself out. If you really love her as a friend - then just be the best friend you can be. If she really loves you back - even as More than a friend - she'll accept how you feel and be alright with it. Just let it all move along and don't try so hard to control emotions or work so hard to control the future. You're not keeping her from finding *true* love or some other relationship if You're the one she wants to spend her time with.
Go with the flow and try not to worry so much. Life has a way of figuring itself out better than we can sort out by over-working things.

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07-12-2013, 09:24 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
You are being incredibly INCREDIBLY insightful. The advice people are giving for you to stay with her is not fair to either of you.
Perhaps, after experiencing more, and having the opportunity to grow, you'll find each other again, but right now you're making such a mature decision. The right choice is often the most difficult.
Honestly, there is something about being in a relationship and KNOWING that this person is the one. If you're only 3 years in and feeling this way, there is so much resentment that could VERY likely be built up after years of feeling like you didn't get to experience the things you're wanting to experience now. You CAN'T just let life and relationships happen to you. By taking control of your situation (however painful), you're taking steps to have the happiest future you can have.
If marriage is important to you, then you need to be with someone who you can see yourself marrying and by "going with the flow" (as much as I LOVE WitchSabrina) you're closing yourself off to other people who are more compatible and fit whatever your criteria for "marriage material" is.
I also think it's an incredibly painful decision to wait a month for an impending breakup. In order to begin processing and getting through the pain of a breakup, you need to FEEL the pain and come out on the other end. By continuing to have contact and hang out with her for this month, you're definitely setting this precedent of staying in contact. Therapists recommend after a breakup, having no contact for 6 months to a year in order to properly, healthily process the breakup and move on. Studies have shown that after a breakup, people go through the same stages of loss and grief as when someone dies, so what you're feeling is completely normal and necessary.
My heart goes out to you as I made a similar decision a few years ago. It was the most painful experience of my life (more painful than my divorce, because this boyfriend didn't DO anything wrong, I just knew it wasn't the right relationship for me for the rest of my life)... and so confusing because I was the one doing the breaking up. And because I loved him, seeing HIM in pain and saying he could change, etc. was so so so painful. I went home and bawled for 2 days straight, then I lost like 15 pounds in a month because I was so depressed about it. Slowly, after thoroughly feeling all that pain, I graduated to a feeling of self-reliance that I'd never had before. There was something so empowering about having made the decision I made and about being on my own as an adult.
I've now been in a relationship for 2 years that is everything I had hoped it would be. We are compatible and best friends and I can easily see me having a very happy life with him for the rest of my time on earth. It's a relationship like nothing I had experienced before and I'm so thankful that I was willing to go through that pain in order to come out on this end. I really, genuinely, wish the same for you.
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07-12-2013, 09:42 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
I hate it when relationships go that way. I've gone through it as well, and it isn't pretty. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to wanting to figure things out. The lost feeling might not actually be you being lost, but might be that you haven't been able to talk it out enough to know what concretely what you want. It is sometimes very uncomfortable, even unbearable, to come to terms with ourselves and figure out what we really want - and even if it seems selfish, it's normal. Don't drag your knees on the concrete, and good luck with things!

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