off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
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07-12-2013, 10:01 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(07-12-2013 09:24 AM)QueenTit Wrote:  You are being incredibly INCREDIBLY insightful. The advice people are giving for you to stay with her is not fair to either of you.
Perhaps, after experiencing more, and having the opportunity to grow, you'll find each other again, but right now you're making such a mature decision. The right choice is often the most difficult.
Honestly, there is something about being in a relationship and KNOWING that this person is the one. If you're only 3 years in and feeling this way, there is so much resentment that could VERY likely be built up after years of feeling like you didn't get to experience the things you're wanting to experience now. You CAN'T just let life and relationships happen to you. By taking control of your situation (however painful), you're taking steps to have the happiest future you can have.
If marriage is important to you, then you need to be with someone who you can see yourself marrying and by "going with the flow" (as much as I LOVE WitchSabrina) you're closing yourself off to other people who are more compatible and fit whatever your criteria for "marriage material" is.
I also think it's an incredibly painful decision to wait a month for an impending breakup. In order to begin processing and getting through the pain of a breakup, you need to FEEL the pain and come out on the other end. By continuing to have contact and hang out with her for this month, you're definitely setting this precedent of staying in contact. Therapists recommend after a breakup, having no contact for 6 months to a year in order to properly, healthily process the breakup and move on. Studies have shown that after a breakup, people go through the same stages of loss and grief as when someone dies, so what you're feeling is completely normal and necessary.
My heart goes out to you as I made a similar decision a few years ago. It was the most painful experience of my life (more painful than my divorce, because this boyfriend didn't DO anything wrong, I just knew it wasn't the right relationship for me for the rest of my life)... and so confusing because I was the one doing the breaking up. And because I loved him, seeing HIM in pain and saying he could change, etc. was so so so painful. I went home and bawled for 2 days straight, then I lost like 15 pounds in a month because I was so depressed about it. Slowly, after thoroughly feeling all that pain, I graduated to a feeling of self-reliance that I'd never had before. There was something so empowering about having made the decision I made and about being on my own as an adult.
I've now been in a relationship for 2 years that is everything I had hoped it would be. We are compatible and best friends and I can easily see me having a very happy life with him for the rest of my time on earth. It's a relationship like nothing I had experienced before and I'm so thankful that I was willing to go through that pain in order to come out on this end. I really, genuinely, wish the same for you.

Well. Done. You.
excellent post

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07-12-2013, 10:55 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(07-12-2013 10:01 AM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  Well. Done. You.
excellent post

Aweeeee shucks!! Blush
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07-12-2013, 12:07 PM (This post was last modified: 07-12-2013 12:28 PM by Adrianime.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Thank you everybody for your responses so far.
As some extra info, she is going to be 27 soon. And these thoughts have been on my mind for about a year, but for the past year she has been "about to move any time". For 90% of the time we have been together she has been living in an apartment, but supported by her parents sending her money. Her parents aren't rich, and have told her multiple times that if she didn't start supporting herself they would need her to move back home (5 ish hours away from me). They gave her two ultimatums...dates where she would have to move back home if she didn't find work, and I was going to break things off with her when she knew she would have to move. However with both ultimatums she got a job literally 2-3 weeks before the date her parents were going to force her back home. Right now she seems to be pretty successful at her new/current job (her 3 month review is next Wednesday)..and I think they will keep her. So I thought now would be the best time to bring all of this up. Otherwise I would feel trapped into "this isn't a good time". And I've been trapped like that too long.

(07-12-2013 04:12 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  The fuck's wrong with you? Something ain't fucking right in your head. She could be a fucking toad and you'd be a fool not to partner up with that sorta love. ... Can she keep the books? 'Cause that's always a plus. Thumbsup
I can't decide if I want the rest of my life to be with somebody who I just care about greatly, and who cares about me. Or if I want to be with somebody who I admire, somebody who inspires me.

(07-12-2013 05:55 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Now, I don't got no experience in these matters, but seems to me that if the both of you are happy enough with each other to be highly upset by the decision, I think that dun speak volumes for your collective potential as a possible pair.
I think I could marry her..and be with her forever..and be at happiness level 7 or 7.5 out of 10. But I feel I would always be wondering if I could be at 8/10 or 9/10 or 10/10. If that makes sense.

(07-12-2013 08:44 AM)TheKetola Wrote:  I had a similar situation (not quite as severe as yours), but it's possible the same concepts apply, so take it as you will. My girlfriend (at the time) and I were pretty great together, we never really fought, we loved being around each other, and we shared a sort of mental connection that was a little bit unreal (we would sometimes go to the library and read and talk about it, she loved Christopher Hitchens, even when she was a Christian), and sexually we were very compatible and she was probably the prettiest girl I've ever known. We were practically inseparable, and she was also my best friend. Then I went off to camp for 5 days and I didn't have my phone and everything changed.

Not being with her for five days, I got a chance to sort of look at our relationship from a different perspective, and it got me to question it, and I couldn't stop. This went on for two weeks, and I talked to her about it, we both cried, we were both really upset, and neither of us understood, but I knew that I needed a break from her because five days started me thinking, but it wasn't enough time in that capacity to help me reach a conclusion. So we took a break, and there was some sort of misunderstanding and we didn't talk for a while, but then after three months, I decided to talk to her again, and we got back together. In this second relationship I was able to have a better opinion of her, and I saw her as she truly was and realized that I didn't like it. She was basically insane and basically agreed with everything I said as if I were some sort of deity, we weren't in a relationship, she was worshiping me, stroking my ego (along with other things), taking my word as gospel. She hadn't lost her faith during our relationship, she replaced it. Eventually I brought her to see me as a terrible person (by breaking my own gospel) and got her to break up with me.

Anyways, the point is, your girlfriend may not be a kook like mine was, but there may be something you are only realizing on a very subconscious level and trying to ignore because of your relationship. You can't explain it to us because you can't yet understand it yourself, but I have a feeling it's there because how you're feeling is exactly how I feel. Trust yourself, you know what's best for you, you understand yourself better than you think you do.
Thanks man, I think your past situation does have similarities with mine. My gf rarely disagrees with me, and I find it strange. I almost want to sometimes ask.. are you actually agreeing with me? Or are you just nodding along? I swear I've caught her nodding along to something she thought I said, then I made it clear I was saying something else, and she agreed with that. I don't think she worships me or anything, and I know she is an intelligent person. But she never brings up any thought compelling conversation, ever. Also she has self confidence issues..she doesn't have much drive to go out and get what she wants. She just kind of lets things happen much of the time. I've already had those times where she and I were separated, like she was on a trip visiting her parents or something. So I see what you mean by being apart. I can imagine a future without her, and I think that is a big part of the problem.

Thanks again for your story.

(07-12-2013 08:49 AM)Colourcraze Wrote:  I can kind of understand this feeling, actually. When I was in college I dated a guy for a little over a year who to this day still has a special place in my heart. And we still chat briefly every now and then. But like you, there came a time when I felt like I had to move on. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was a feeling I couldn't even name then, but what I've come to call my wanderlust. I live on change. It was hard to be friends after being in a relationship though. Good luck.
I definitely don't live on change, but aside from that I get what you are saying. I can totally imagine being her friend. I can imagine cheering her on her future relationships (assuming she finds a good guy). I don't know if she feels the same. I doubt it.

(07-12-2013 09:00 AM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  I think you both should love to the best of your ability and let the future play itself out. If you really love her as a friend - then just be the best friend you can be. If she really loves you back - even as More than a friend - she'll accept how you feel and be alright with it. Just let it all move along and don't try so hard to control emotions or work so hard to control the future. You're not keeping her from finding *true* love or some other relationship if You're the one she wants to spend her time with.
Go with the flow and try not to worry so much. Life has a way of figuring itself out better than we can sort out by over-working things.
I would say that I love her as a friend. But the word love has a huge weight with me. It probably has to do with me growing up never once hearing that word at home. But I have not ever told her that I love her. It's something we have talked about. But for me it's kind of like that "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." To me, being in love in a nutshell means that I am completely devoted, and would do anything (reasonable) for her. Basically "I love you" (in the romantic sense) to me is comparable to "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." And I don't want to lie to her. So I don't. Thank you for your perspective.

(07-12-2013 09:24 AM)QueenTit Wrote:  You are being incredibly INCREDIBLY insightful. The advice people are giving for you to stay with her is not fair to either of you.
Perhaps, after experiencing more, and having the opportunity to grow, you'll find each other again, but right now you're making such a mature decision. The right choice is often the most difficult.
Honestly, there is something about being in a relationship and KNOWING that this person is the one. If you're only 3 years in and feeling this way, there is so much resentment that could VERY likely be built up after years of feeling like you didn't get to experience the things you're wanting to experience now. You CAN'T just let life and relationships happen to you. By taking control of your situation (however painful), you're taking steps to have the happiest future you can have.
If marriage is important to you, then you need to be with someone who you can see yourself marrying and by "going with the flow" (as much as I LOVE WitchSabrina) you're closing yourself off to other people who are more compatible and fit whatever your criteria for "marriage material" is.
I also think it's an incredibly painful decision to wait a month for an impending breakup. In order to begin processing and getting through the pain of a breakup, you need to FEEL the pain and come out on the other end. By continuing to have contact and hang out with her for this month, you're definitely setting this precedent of staying in contact. Therapists recommend after a breakup, having no contact for 6 months to a year in order to properly, healthily process the breakup and move on. Studies have shown that after a breakup, people go through the same stages of loss and grief as when someone dies, so what you're feeling is completely normal and necessary.
My heart goes out to you as I made a similar decision a few years ago. It was the most painful experience of my life (more painful than my divorce, because this boyfriend didn't DO anything wrong, I just knew it wasn't the right relationship for me for the rest of my life)... and so confusing because I was the one doing the breaking up. And because I loved him, seeing HIM in pain and saying he could change, etc. was so so so painful. I went home and bawled for 2 days straight, then I lost like 15 pounds in a month because I was so depressed about it. Slowly, after thoroughly feeling all that pain, I graduated to a feeling of self-reliance that I'd never had before. There was something so empowering about having made the decision I made and about being on my own as an adult.
I've now been in a relationship for 2 years that is everything I had hoped it would be. We are compatible and best friends and I can easily see me having a very happy life with him for the rest of my time on earth. It's a relationship like nothing I had experienced before and I'm so thankful that I was willing to go through that pain in order to come out on this end. I really, genuinely, wish the same for you.
Yes, I have had that idea too, that maybe in 5 or 10 years we may find that we really are the best partners for each other and get together then. I don't dare tell her that, because I think it will cause her much more harm than good. I don't want her waiting around for me instead of pursuing her happiness.

About waiting a month...and what comes afterwards in terms of coping. Of course I enjoy being with her, but for me having a cool down/preparation period up until whatever happens is helpful. I hope it is for her as well. I think of it similarly to...quitting a job (that you really really enjoy) and putting in your last days notice. I don't want it to be a bitter experience, I would prefer that instead we appreciate and be grateful for our time together..even if it is ending. But again, I can't control how this plays out to that extent, so who knows what will happen.

It seems like your motivation for your past breakup is similar to mine. Thank you very much for sharing. Yes, I want that empowerment of taking control of my life. Going for what I want, and finding what makes me happiest. I feel I have to go through this sadness to get there, but I am mostly optimistic about my future.

Thanks again.

(07-12-2013 09:42 AM)cheapthrillseaker Wrote:  I hate it when relationships go that way. I've gone through it as well, and it isn't pretty. You hit the nail on the head when it comes to wanting to figure things out. The lost feeling might not actually be you being lost, but might be that you haven't been able to talk it out enough to know what concretely what you want. It is sometimes very uncomfortable, even unbearable, to come to terms with ourselves and figure out what we really want - and even if it seems selfish, it's normal. Don't drag your knees on the concrete, and good luck with things!
Something embarrassing about me. Every once in a while I mumble to myself (not in a crazy kind of way..if that makes sense) But more like voicing my own internal dialogue. The thing I MOST OFTEN find myself muttering is, "What do I want?" I will actually look in the mirror and ask myself that. I still haven't come up with an answer.

Selfishness is important I think. After all this is my one and only life. How can I not try to find the thing that makes me the happiest? I can't live my life for the sake of one other person's happiness (if I'm not in love with them), not if it means sacrificing my own potential happiness. I just can't. It is selfish, but damnit this is my life too.



Again thank you all for your responses Smile It does mean a lot when others take the time to listen to what I'm going through. Thank you.

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07-12-2013, 12:21 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Gosh, wish I had some words of wisdom to impart, I've been married forever it seems to my best friend.

Just be aware if you do decide to take a wait and see, she might not be there when you decide she's the one. That is scenario I've seen play out too many times.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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07-12-2013, 12:34 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Hug Sadcryface I don't like seeing you so upset Hug I'm really sorry, this sounds so difficult.

I married my best friend. He's not perfect, but no one will be. He may not inspire me, or make me want to be a better person, or make every day exciting, but he makes me laugh every day. He shares my desires for the future. He holds me when I'm sad. He takes care of me when I need him. We have great intimacy.

None of this is advice, just how marrying my best friend worked out for me. This may not be the kind of marriage that is right for you, you may need more. That is your decision, and I can't imagine how hard it was to make.

There goes our dream home Weeping Hug Hug
Enjoy your remaining time to the fullest Hug Hug
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07-12-2013, 01:08 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(07-12-2013 12:21 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Gosh, wish I had some words of wisdom to impart, I've been married forever it seems to my best friend.

Just be aware if you do decide to take a wait and see, she might not be there when you decide she's the one. That is scenario I've seen play out too many times.
I know. I can't expect her to be there if I decide in the future she really was the best thing that could happen to me. That's part of what makes this decision hard. Thanks for reaching out though.

(07-12-2013 12:34 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Hug Sadcryface I don't like seeing you so upset Hug I'm really sorry, this sounds so difficult.

I married my best friend. He's not perfect, but no one will be. He may not inspire me, or make me want to be a better person, or make every day exciting, but he makes me laugh every day. He shares my desires for the future. He holds me when I'm sad. He takes care of me when I need him. We have great intimacy.

None of this is advice, just how marrying my best friend worked out for me. This may not be the kind of marriage that is right for you, you may need more. That is your decision, and I can't imagine how hard it was to make.

There goes our dream home Weeping Hug Hug
Enjoy your remaining time to the fullest Hug Hug
Thanks for the hugs Emily Hug. If you are fulfilled with your husband (and he with you) that's all that matters! I'm glad you found happiness. Haha and we can still have the dream home, we just wouldn't be a couple of couples Tongue.

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07-12-2013, 06:34 PM (This post was last modified: 07-12-2013 07:43 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(07-12-2013 12:07 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  
(07-12-2013 04:12 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  The fuck's wrong with you? Something ain't fucking right in your head. She could be a fucking toad and you'd be a fool not to partner up with that sorta love. ... Can she keep the books? 'Cause that's always a plus. Thumbsup
I can't decide if I want the rest of my life to be with somebody who I just care about greatly, and who cares about me. Or if I want to be with somebody who I admire, somebody who inspires me.

Yeah. Girly just take classes at Uni to satisfy all that admiration and inspiration need shit. But Girly's a bad source for relationship advice. Only been in one. It's been going on over 30 years now. Big Grin

(07-12-2013 12:34 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  He's not perfect, but no one will be. He may not inspire me, or make me want to be a better person, or make every day exciting, but he makes me laugh every day.

And that is all that really fucking counts. Thumbsup

(07-12-2013 01:08 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  I know. I can't expect her to be there if I decide in the future she really was the best thing that could happen to me. That's part of what makes this decision hard.

You think too much. 'Cause you ain't quite right in the head and shit. ... You looking to optimize "life"? Dafuq? Good luck with that. Tongue

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07-12-2013, 09:58 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Quote: He's not perfect, but no one will be. He may not inspire me, or make me want to be a better person, or make every day exciting not to mention he's gay
All that matters is he makes you happy Big Grin

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09-12-2013, 08:37 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Been in this situation, or at least a similar one, where I was in a great relationship that I ended because I couldn't commit, and was too worried about "what if there's something better".

I can tell you first hand to be careful with this, because if you break this off, and then realize she IS what you wanted all along, then she might not be there for you anymore, and that hurts like hell.

I've learned to trust my gut on this stuff now. It might cost me in the future, but hey, future-Jasozz can worry about that.
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10-12-2013, 02:42 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Thanks Jasozz. I realize those things, but im opting to trust my gut as well. In a sense the scariness of not knowing how things will turn out is a little exciting.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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