off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
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02-01-2014, 01:36 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Hah this sucks adri. I hope everything works out for you and her,and that you both find your happyness elsewhere. I would say that you should stay friends.but cathy makes me diubt my advice,so i'll suck it up

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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02-01-2014, 01:39 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(02-01-2014 01:36 AM)Lightvader Wrote:  Hah this sucks adri. I hope everything works out for you and her,and that you both find your happyness elsewhere. I would say that you should stay friends.but cathy makes me diubt my advice,so i'll suck it up
Thanks man. I will try not to lose her. All my living past girlfriends are still pretty friendly with me. We don't talk often, but we have really good conversations a few times a year. I dunno how it will work with this girl....but I won't give up first.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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02-01-2014, 03:41 AM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(01-01-2014 07:40 AM)Cathym112 Wrote:  Ok man. I want to first start out by telling you I'm sorry you are hurting. Breaking up is hard. Always. Sending you a virtual hug.

Now it's time to be kind to yourself and not to do things that are self destructive. This includes drinking, smoking, overeating, drugs, and having. Any. Contact. With. Her.

Because this is your first "real relationship" than this is your first "real breakup".

You need - for now - to consider that she is dead and grieve appropriately. If you truly don't want to waste her time, then do not string her along when you have second thoughts or lonely nights. It's not doing you or her any favors if you contact her, or answer her calls.

You must understand one thing. She can't be your friend anymore. Not for at least 6 months.
Not two weeks, not a month...at least 6!

Unless you both have seen this coming for years, and gradually drifted apart over the years and the breakup was purely mutual it might be only 3 months of radio silence.

Your OP doesn't indicate this. She is completely in love with you as you said. So don't hurt her anymore by allowing her and yourself to indulge in weak moments. You are her drug and she's in rehab. Do not enable her or yourself by doing "drugs."

Think of it this way:
You just won the pain lottery. Now you can take it in one lump sum, or you can spread it out over yearly installments. Me personally, I prefer it in one lump sum.

It will get better. Allow yourself to cry, invite the hurt and the loneliness in. Let the pain pull you like a riptide. When you swim parallel with the riptide, you use up less energy fighting against it and get back to shore quicker.

This part will wound insensitive, but it's not my intention, it's just something you need to hear. You are not as important as you think you are. You are not intregral to her survival. You will survive without her. She will survive without you. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but she got along just fine before you and she will again after you.

In my experience, Relationships are 10% compatibility, 10% chance or luck, and 80% timing. If the timing isn't right for you, then you are right to trust your instincts.

By being her "friend" whom she is in love with, you are the security blanket that prevents her from meeting new people because she is holding out hope for a reconciliation.

I recommend the book It's called a breakup because it's broken. It's for women, but just change the pronouns.
It really really sucks, but I agree with this.
Hug
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02-01-2014, 01:20 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(02-01-2014 01:36 AM)Lightvader Wrote:  Hah this sucks adri. I hope everything works out for you and her,and that you both find your happyness elsewhere. I would say that you should stay friends.but cathy makes me diubt my advice,so i'll suck it up

LV - he can be her friend, just not right now. Not for a long while.

I am still friends with both men with whom I had longer than 5 year relationships each. We talk on occasion and there is no more jealousy or bittersweetness over the failed relationship. But that takes a long time and a level of maturity with relationships that I don't think the OP has yet, since he admitted this was his first real relationship.

Also, the way the breakout dragged out as though they were reenacting some kind of movie scene and thus prolonging the pain, is emotionally immature. No offense or disrespect meant for the OP. We have all been there and made those mistakes. And we have all made the mistake of further stringing things along by continuing to "talk" and "be complicated" with our former flames. They don't call it Ex Sex for no reason….

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day - Bill Watterson
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02-01-2014, 01:21 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(02-01-2014 03:41 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(01-01-2014 07:40 AM)Cathym112 Wrote:  Ok man. I want to first start out by telling you I'm sorry you are hurting. Breaking up is hard. Always. Sending you a virtual hug.

Now it's time to be kind to yourself and not to do things that are self destructive. This includes drinking, smoking, overeating, drugs, and having. Any. Contact. With. Her.

Because this is your first "real relationship" than this is your first "real breakup".

You need - for now - to consider that she is dead and grieve appropriately. If you truly don't want to waste her time, then do not string her along when you have second thoughts or lonely nights. It's not doing you or her any favors if you contact her, or answer her calls.

You must understand one thing. She can't be your friend anymore. Not for at least 6 months.
Not two weeks, not a month...at least 6!

Unless you both have seen this coming for years, and gradually drifted apart over the years and the breakup was purely mutual it might be only 3 months of radio silence.

Your OP doesn't indicate this. She is completely in love with you as you said. So don't hurt her anymore by allowing her and yourself to indulge in weak moments. You are her drug and she's in rehab. Do not enable her or yourself by doing "drugs."

Think of it this way:
You just won the pain lottery. Now you can take it in one lump sum, or you can spread it out over yearly installments. Me personally, I prefer it in one lump sum.

It will get better. Allow yourself to cry, invite the hurt and the loneliness in. Let the pain pull you like a riptide. When you swim parallel with the riptide, you use up less energy fighting against it and get back to shore quicker.

This part will wound insensitive, but it's not my intention, it's just something you need to hear. You are not as important as you think you are. You are not intregral to her survival. You will survive without her. She will survive without you. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but she got along just fine before you and she will again after you.

In my experience, Relationships are 10% compatibility, 10% chance or luck, and 80% timing. If the timing isn't right for you, then you are right to trust your instincts.

By being her "friend" whom she is in love with, you are the security blanket that prevents her from meeting new people because she is holding out hope for a reconciliation.

I recommend the book It's called a breakup because it's broken. It's for women, but just change the pronouns.
It really really sucks, but I agree with this.
Hug

The situation sucks? Or it sucks that you agree with me? Tongue

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day - Bill Watterson
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02-01-2014, 01:25 PM
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(02-01-2014 01:20 PM)Cathym112 Wrote:  
(02-01-2014 01:36 AM)Lightvader Wrote:  Hah this sucks adri. I hope everything works out for you and her,and that you both find your happyness elsewhere. I would say that you should stay friends.but cathy makes me diubt my advice,so i'll suck it up

LV - he can be her friend, just not right now. Not for a long while.

I am still friends with both men with whom I had longer than 5 year relationships each. We talk on occasion and there is no more jealousy or bittersweetness over the failed relationship. But that takes a long time and a level of maturity with relationships that I don't think the OP has yet, since he admitted this was his first real relationship.

Also, the way the breakout dragged out as though they were reenacting some kind of movie scene and thus prolonging the pain, is emotionally immature. No offense or disrespect meant for the OP. We have all been there and made those mistakes. And we have all made the mistake of further stringing things along by continuing to "talk" and "be complicated" with our former flames. They don't call it Ex Sex for no reason….
My first impulse is to insult you (or maybe insult isn't the right word, but it made me angry) for saying this, but I'll hold on that and respond later.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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02-01-2014, 02:40 PM (This post was last modified: 02-01-2014 07:40 PM by Cathym112.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
(02-01-2014 01:25 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  
(02-01-2014 01:20 PM)Cathym112 Wrote:  LV - he can be her friend, just not right now. Not for a long while.

I am still friends with both men with whom I had longer than 5 year relationships each. We talk on occasion and there is no more jealousy or bittersweetness over the failed relationship. But that takes a long time and a level of maturity with relationships that I don't think the OP has yet, since he admitted this was his first real relationship.

Also, the way the breakout dragged out as though they were reenacting some kind of movie scene and thus prolonging the pain, is emotionally immature. No offense or disrespect meant for the OP. We have all been there and made those mistakes. And we have all made the mistake of further stringing things along by continuing to "talk" and "be complicated" with our former flames. They don't call it Ex Sex for no reason….
My first impulse is to insult you (or maybe insult isn't the right word, but it made me angry) for saying this, but I'll hold on that and respond later.

Please don't mistake my bluntness with insults or insensitivity. It is not my intention to make you mad. No Please understand that my tone is as gentle as possible without sugar coating things. I feel your pain I really do. I've been there. We all have.

Your breakup was emotionally immature. Everyone's first relationships are emotionally immature. Myself included. Regardless of your actual maturity level when it comes to other things, relationships are their own animal. I equate it to a child who has a very sophisticated vocabulary…you tend to think they are older than they are. Because of your age, you forget that your relationship maturity is one of someone younger and inexperienced.

We have all been there. I bet at some point during your "breakup postponement" you made love with her - ya know, for one last time - and cried during and after, right? When a breakup happens, people have a tendency to make it theatrical. Again, I'm not accusing you of anything that I haven't done myself in the past. My First boyfriend of 7 years did this very same dance. Looking back, i wish we had just said our goodbyes that day. Instead we dragged it out like some kind of play, with drama, music, sweet last kisses and such. that only eventually led back to seeing each other again because we "cared about each other too much to not have the other in our lives" What we had was a whole lotta ex sex and continued emotional attachment to each other in a very unhealthy way. Especially since there was no more "commitment" so when the other started dating other people, there was a lot of unnecessary heartache and jealousy. He would even call me after he had a fight with his new girlfriend to vent. And I listened. Because I wanted to be "there for him."

You will need to make these mistakes for yourself, I know. I'm just trying to warn you what is coming….not to stop you from doing it. Although, I confess, there is a small hope that you will see that as a future and value yourself more than that to allow for that extra heartache. Part of the whole Be Kind to Yourself mantra includes not subjecting yourself to additional heartache that will be self destructive in the end. And I don't want to see you in pain Sad

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day - Bill Watterson
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02-01-2014, 09:52 PM (This post was last modified: 02-01-2014 10:07 PM by Adrianime.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Alright, I'm calmer now, so here's what I have to say, and sorry if some things offend.
(02-01-2014 01:20 PM)Cathym112 Wrote:  I am still friends with both men with whom I had longer than 5 year relationships each. We talk on occasion and there is no more jealousy or bittersweetness over the failed relationship. But that takes a long time and a level of maturity with relationships that I don't think the OP has yet, since he admitted this was his first real relationship.

Also, the way the breakout dragged out as though they were reenacting some kind of movie scene and thus prolonging the pain, is emotionally immature. No offense or disrespect meant for the OP. We have all been there and made those mistakes. And we have all made the mistake of further stringing things along by continuing to "talk" and "be complicated" with our former flames. They don't call it Ex Sex for no reason….
First, I know what I said, and I really don't like talking about my past relationships, but I have several former relationships that I never make public. This girl is my first relationship that I have made public, thus being my first "real" girlfriend. I'm sorry I can't go into detail about my past, but your words seemed very condescending as if I am completely incapable of making sound relationship decisions.

Second, you calling my breakup a movie scene reenactment does piss me off. I chose to handle the situation with honesty to what I wanted, and how I feel things will work best for us. I understand that your experience may have lead you to believe certain rules apply in all cases for how to handle these things, but I don't believe that at all. I think individuals and individual relationships should be handled on an individual basis, not with a blanket "this is how to handle this situation the right way." So no, I don't feel that me being honest with myself and with her was emotionally immature. I don't think letting each other know all of our thoughts and feelings is a sign of immaturity at all. I think the opposite in fact. I'm not certain how things will work between us now. But you know what, I'm willing to learn that as I go along.

Third, I'm not stupid enough to have sex with her after we break up.

(02-01-2014 02:40 PM)Cathym112 Wrote:  Please don't mistake my bluntness with insults or insensitivity. It is not my intention to make you mad. No Please understand that my tone is as gentle as possible without sugar coating things. I feel your pain I really do. I've been there. We all have.
I appreciate you trying to help.

Quote:Your breakup was emotionally immature. Everyone's first relationships are emotionally immature. Myself included. Regardless of your actual maturity level when it comes to other things, relationships are their own animal. I equate it to a child who has a very sophisticated vocabulary…you tend to think they are older than they are. Because of your age, you forget that your relationship maturity is one of someone younger and inexperienced.
In my first relationship, I didn't understand myself, and let myself get treated in ways that I will never allow again. In this relationship, no my breakup was not emotionally immature. My breakup was open, honest, and respectful. I didn't play games or make up lies.

Quote:We have all been there. I bet at some point during your "breakup postponement" you made love with her - ya know, for one last time - and cried during and after, right? When a breakup happens, people have a tendency to make it theatrical. Again, I'm not accusing you of anything that I haven't done myself in the past. My First boyfriend of 7 years did this very same dance. Looking back, i wish we had just said our goodbyes that day. Instead we dragged it out like some kind of play, with drama, music, sweet last kisses and such. that only eventually led back to seeing each other again because we "cared about each other too much to not have the other in our lives" What we had was a whole lotta ex sex and continued emotional attachment to each other in a very unhealthy way. Especially since there was no more "commitment" so when the other started dating other people, there was a lot of unnecessary heartache and jealousy. He would even call me after he had a fight with his new girlfriend to vent. And I listened. Because I wanted to be "there for him."
Yes, we continued to "be a couple" during our last month together. Yes near the end I cried over several last times, but you know what? I also cried when the school years ended as a kid. I also cried when my roommate of 4 years moved out. It's OK to effing cry and appreciate and miss an era of my life that is ending. It isn't about theatrics or making it something that it isn't. It's about appreciating it for what it is. I don't think pain or sadness is a bad thing. It lets me know that I care about something enough to feel that way, which is RARE for me. And since I have been open and honest, I feel like there is closure and understanding. To me, that is very important.

And of course hooking up and confiding in each other about future partners after breaking up is a terrible idea, and I would never do that.

Quote:You will need to make these mistakes for yourself, I know. I'm just trying to warn you what is coming….not to stop you from doing it. Although, I confess, there is a small hope that you will see that as a future and value yourself more than that to allow for that extra heartache. Part of the whole Be Kind to Yourself mantra includes not subjecting yourself to additional heartache that will be self destructive in the end. And I don't want to see you in pain Sad
I appreciate your advice, and speaking from your own experience. I will say that I get that your experiences are things that you have learned throughout your life that work for yourself. And that is great. Hearing about them is interesting. And ugh, just more than anything stop effing calling my relationship immature. You are talking about the most precious thing in my recent life and then telling me I was doing it wrong because I'm not as experienced as you and I can't help but feel belittled and condescended.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, I know you were trying to help. But the way you said that really, really bothered me. I don't put my heart behind many things, but when I do, it's very upsetting when I feel they are being disrespected.

ugh this is silly. I'm not trying to accomplish anything with you really. I don't want or need an apology. I just want you to understand how that came off to me.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and for caring.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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03-01-2014, 08:54 AM (This post was last modified: 03-01-2014 09:12 AM by Cathym112.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
I don't care if you don't want an apology, you are getting one anyway. I am sorry if what I said hurt you. I am very blunt and sometimes it bites me in the ass.

First and foremost - your relationship is not immature. I want to reiterate that. Your relationship is not immature. This is, however, what you described as your first real relationship. The first woman you truly loved.

When I said your breakup was theatrical (it want meant as a jab toward the crying - displaying emotions is a GOOD and healthy thing), it was directed toward the way the pain was prolonged for you and for her. And that's the part that was theatrical and as I saw it, self destructive and unnecessary. But, if it was right for you than I respect that.

It wasn't just me who did similar things when we ended our first relationships. It was what every. Single. Person I knew in high school did.

Your decision to end the relationship was a very adult and mature thing to do. I just saw for the last month you were posting how much additional and unnecessary pain you went through to postpone it. Like some axe that would come down later on and hung over your head. Especially for her, man. Since the decision to end it was coming from you. She agreed to delay because all the while she's hoping you will change your mind. I don't see any point in doing that to someone and in fact, I think it's somewhat cruel. Maybe this isn't how she felt. I wasn't there. All I can do is go by what you disclosed.

I understand you were trying to lesson the blow, and felt this way was kinder, but as someone who has been on the receiving end of that, I can tell you it's not kinder. You were cutting off her arm. Would you rather slice off her arm one draw at a time? Or just hack it off with one chop? Personally, the one slice at a time seemed more humane but it wasn't. I suspect a little selfishness on your part because you feel so guilty for hurting her that you wanted to make even yourself feel better by making it as gentle as possible. Tht selfishness is understandable.

I hope you will be strong in the upcoming months and not call her or take her calls in moments of weakness.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day - Bill Watterson
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03-01-2014, 12:45 PM (This post was last modified: 03-01-2014 12:50 PM by Adrianime.)
RE: off topic..breaking up with my best friend.
Yeah, staying together may have been selfish. She said she was really grateful to have the extra time with me, and I said the same. For me, it was a good thing. For her, I'm uncertain, because I can't read her mind. But through her words, she appreciated my openness and our last month(s) together.

Also, Cathym, you may have missed part of my posts here. I am not in love with this girl, and I've never said the words, "I love you" to her. She and I have had talks about this, and I've explained my position and told her I will not lie. Maybe I love her as a friend, that's possible. I probably care for her as much as most people profess to love their significant others (from what I've seen). But to me, being "in love" is a different beast. I've been in love before, but with this girl, I never reached that level of feeling like I could not live without her. That feeling like she completes my life. Or several of the other feelings I had when I was in love. She is the person closest to me, and we were involved romantically, yes. I care about her more than any other person in the world right now, yes. But no, I was/am not in love. If I was I would be marrying her, not breaking up with her.

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(31-12-2013 10:34 AM)Adrianime Wrote:  Another problem is I'm not in love with her. I've been in love with a different girl before, and I have not reached that level with my current gf...after almost 3 years.
Thanks for all of the perspective though Smile. And I appreciate the apology.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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