that last month and a half
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13-02-2017, 10:54 AM
that last month and a half
I lost him a month ago tomorrow. I was there for the last moments, he died at home bed ridden last month and a half of his life. That last part of his life was so awful, and I am slowly trying to forget that and only try to remember him when he was strong. He was 59 I am 29. I considered my self atheist from about 10yrs old. That last month and a half I wished, prayed, all sorts of useless stuff that month and a half I betrayed everything I had previously believed. that last month and a half my father did the same thing. that last month and a half I wish I could have done some real things. I wish that last month and a half I would have picked my old man up put him in the car and went on a cruise we loved to do that it would have been real.

I am sorry pop that I couldn't show you more. that's all I can write for now.
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13-02-2017, 11:06 AM
RE: that last month and a half
(13-02-2017 10:54 AM)tickclicker Wrote:  I lost him a month ago tomorrow. I was there for the last moments, he died at home bed ridden last month and a half of his life. That last part of his life was so awful, and I am slowly trying to forget that and only try to remember him when he was strong. He was 59 I am 29. I considered my self atheist from about 10yrs old. That last month and a half I wished, prayed, all sorts of useless stuff that month and a half I betrayed everything I had previously believed. that last month and a half my father did the same thing. that last month and a half I wish I could have done some real things. I wish that last month and a half I would have picked my old man up put him in the car and went on a cruise we loved to do that it would have been real.

I am sorry pop that I couldn't show you more. that's all I can write for now.

We do silly things when confronted with a big loss. It's normal. We run out of options and grasp at straws.

So sorry for your loss.

You'll be going through a bunch of crazy feelings, feel free to tell us about it here, it helps to talk about it. Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-02-2017, 11:20 AM
RE: that last month and a half
Welcome to TTA, so sorry for your loss.
Trying to make sense of such a terrible loss can sometimes make us look for answers in the irrational.
Don't beat yourself up about it, it's natural to want answers.
Glad you've joined us, I hope you decide to stick around.
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13-02-2017, 11:22 AM
RE: that last month and a half
Thanks I have been searching for a place like this, well for about a month. yeah that last month and a half I was at home with my father I had recently quit working. In the last year of my employment I had requested to go part time and wasn't told no but nothing ever got set up, figured they would set up some kind of a schedule. senior guy in my dept. said I don't need someone part time. So It had been made clear to me that part time was out of the question. So like a good little bee I just plodded along eventually I just quit, my father is all fucked up i'm starting to not give a damn at work. Now I'm so pissed that I dident get to spend more time with my dad that last summer he was still somewhat strong. I don't want to go back to those people even though there were things that I liked about the job. not sure what to do I can't turn to my father anymore I can only turn inward.
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13-02-2017, 11:26 AM
RE: that last month and a half
I'm so sorry to hear of this tickclicker, but please know that my thoughts are with you.

Time is a wonderful healer for all things dispiriting—and it's more than just a cliché. You'll find that in the not-too-distant future, rather than grieving for times past and opportunities maybe lost, you'll start to have more frequent and stronger memories of the happy times you had together, and the things you enjoyed doing with your dad.

Take care. Hug

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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13-02-2017, 11:48 AM
RE: that last month and a half
Sad Death is so painful and difficult, it makes perfect sense to beg for a miracle.

Many hugs to you.

"If you don't have a seat at the table, you're probably on the menu."

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13-02-2017, 12:13 PM
RE: that last month and a half
I'm sorry for your loss. *hugs* My dad also passed away fairly young. I was Christian at the time and my prayers went unanswered. As a Christian, I was trying to understand "God's plan" but now as an atheist, I know my prayers were useless since nothing up there was listening anyway. Like others have said, when you are faced with grief, you latch onto anything to try and save the ones you love, even magical thinking. It's been a few years now and I still miss my dad every day, but I can tell you the pain you are feeling now does get easier to bear.
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13-02-2017, 12:20 PM
RE: that last month and a half
(13-02-2017 11:22 AM)tickclicker Wrote:  Thanks I have been searching for a place like this, well for about a month. yeah that last month and a half I was at home with my father I had recently quit working. In the last year of my employment I had requested to go part time and wasn't told no but nothing ever got set up, figured they would set up some kind of a schedule. senior guy in my dept. said I don't need someone part time. So It had been made clear to me that part time was out of the question. So like a good little bee I just plodded along eventually I just quit, my father is all fucked up i'm starting to not give a damn at work. Now I'm so pissed that I dident get to spend more time with my dad that last summer he was still somewhat strong. I don't want to go back to those people even though there were things that I liked about the job. not sure what to do I can't turn to my father anymore I can only turn inward.

I wish I spent more time with my dad as well. But you can't do that to yourself. It sounds like you really loved your dad and have a lot of nice memories together. Try and hang onto those instead.

Maybe a new job, start a fresh slate if you don't want to go back to the old place.
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13-02-2017, 12:22 PM
RE: that last month and a half
I'm so, so sorry. I hate that desperation that comes with not being able to do anything Sad

It's normal to feel regret and guilt when someone dear passes--I felt the same after my dog was put down. It's a part of the process, it's hard and painful, but I promise it gets easier with time.

I'm sure your father was very happy to have you there in those last few moments.

I wish I could send real hugs Hug

Ignorance is not to be ignored.

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13-02-2017, 04:14 PM
RE: that last month and a half
(13-02-2017 12:20 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(13-02-2017 11:22 AM)tickclicker Wrote:  Thanks I have been searching for a place like this, well for about a month. yeah that last month and a half I was at home with my father I had recently quit working. In the last year of my employment I had requested to go part time and wasn't told no but nothing ever got set up, figured they would set up some kind of a schedule. senior guy in my dept. said I don't need someone part time. So It had been made clear to me that part time was out of the question. So like a good little bee I just plodded along eventually I just quit, my father is all fucked up i'm starting to not give a damn at work. Now I'm so pissed that I dident get to spend more time with my dad that last summer he was still somewhat strong. I don't want to go back to those people even though there were things that I liked about the job. not sure what to do I can't turn to my father anymore I can only turn inward.

I wish I spent more time with my dad as well. But you can't do that to yourself. It sounds like you really loved your dad and have a lot of nice memories together. Try and hang onto those instead.

Maybe a new job, start a fresh slate if you don't want to go back to the old place.


yeah I know, it seems like all I ever wanted to do was to make my dad proud. I know my father didn't want me to quit my job. I am trying to think of what I want now because what I wanted before doesn't really matter anymore. my father is just a memory now.
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