that last month and a half
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13-02-2017, 04:20 PM
RE: that last month and a half
(13-02-2017 04:14 PM)tickclicker Wrote:  
(13-02-2017 12:20 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I wish I spent more time with my dad as well. But you can't do that to yourself. It sounds like you really loved your dad and have a lot of nice memories together. Try and hang onto those instead.

Maybe a new job, start a fresh slate if you don't want to go back to the old place.


yeah I know, it seems like all I ever wanted to do was to make my dad proud. I know my father didn't want me to quit my job. I am trying to think of what I want now because what I wanted before doesn't really matter anymore. my father is just a memory now.

Give yourself a couple of weeks - you likely won't be thinking clearly right now. Care taking of a loved one is much harder than we ourselves think at the time - it takes a while to come back down with both feet on the ground.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-02-2017, 04:30 PM
RE: that last month and a half
(13-02-2017 04:14 PM)tickclicker Wrote:  
(13-02-2017 12:20 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I wish I spent more time with my dad as well. But you can't do that to yourself. It sounds like you really loved your dad and have a lot of nice memories together. Try and hang onto those instead.

Maybe a new job, start a fresh slate if you don't want to go back to the old place.


yeah I know, it seems like all I ever wanted to do was to make my dad proud. I know my father didn't want me to quit my job. I am trying to think of what I want now because what I wanted before doesn't really matter anymore. my father is just a memory now.

I think it would be a good idea to give yourself some time to figure out where to go from here. I'm sure everything is really raw right now. Just be gentle with yourself, take some time, and you'll figure it all out.

You're still your dad's child. You still have parts of him with you-things he taught you, experiences you've shared, and so on. He can still live on through you even though he is no longer here, you can still honor him through that by utilizing things he taught you, shaping you into the person you've become as you go out and share that with the world.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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13-02-2017, 09:22 PM
RE: that last month and a half
Thanks for the advise, I will get past this maybe not today or tomorrow but sitting on my butt discussing my grief probably isn't going to help as much as getting out and doing something even if its wrong. this is the last day just like this.
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13-02-2017, 09:33 PM
RE: that last month and a half
It seems to me that the grieving process starts when you know death is imminent. I don't think many of us are ourselves when we are dealing with the impending loss of someone close to us.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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14-02-2017, 10:57 AM
RE: that last month and a half
today is it one month, And I'm getting all sentimental. there is so much he is going to miss out on. I just have to and those delusions are creeping back you know. I keep imagining that sometime I will get to have a good sit with my father and I will tell him of all the things that happened after he died. then he tells me all the things he has done the cool places he has been. then we get up and go on some awesome adventure... I'm spent that's all I can do for now
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14-02-2017, 03:59 PM (This post was last modified: 14-02-2017 04:04 PM by mordant.)
RE: that last month and a half
(13-02-2017 11:22 AM)tickclicker Wrote:  Thanks I have been searching for a place like this, well for about a month. yeah that last month and a half I was at home with my father I had recently quit working. In the last year of my employment I had requested to go part time and wasn't told no but nothing ever got set up, figured they would set up some kind of a schedule. senior guy in my dept. said I don't need someone part time. So It had been made clear to me that part time was out of the question. So like a good little bee I just plodded along eventually I just quit, my father is all fucked up i'm starting to not give a damn at work. Now I'm so pissed that I didn't get to spend more time with my dad that last summer he was still somewhat strong. I don't want to go back to those people even though there were things that I liked about the job. not sure what to do I can't turn to my father anymore I can only turn inward.
This is really sad that we don't have reasonable and humane accommodations for those who have serious family problems or grief to work through. We barely have paid maternity leave or sufficient vacation if you're talking about the US.

My mother made it to 81 (died in a car accident though) and my Dad made it to 87 and they had me late in life. So when Dad died I was in my late 40s. Still felt like an orphan, and they lived far away and we weren't part of each other's daily lives. I can only imagine how this feels to you.

It will get better, but you have to be patient with the grief process, which can go on seemingly forever, and return unbidden just when you think you are getting past it. That's all normal, and how you grieve and how long is very individual to you. Be patient with yourself, too.

It has helped me to focus on how the person I'm grieving would want me to be, how they would want to be remembered. As you already seem to be intuiting, it's best to keep the best parts / memories and let the rest go. My previous wife died for example after a very long, painful slog of chronic illness over many years. While there was some pressure on me (and it even made some sense) to continue to work with the non-profits that oversaw her illness, I dropped out of that. I needed time away from the very sad stories and depressing political obstacles to research and so forth. I needed to remember something other than all the pain and suffering and frustration and sense of impending doom, and try to reclaim the "us" that we were earlier on, before everything went off the rails. Today some 10 years later I am quite successful at remembering the earlier, happier times, the time when she was relatively vital and able to participate. I remember those trips we took, the time we got randy in a cornfield by the roadside, things like that. Not the years of being bedridden and confused and in terrible pain. I have learned to hold fast to the good and let go of the bad.

So you are right to not dwell on the final weeks / months and what you could have / might have / "should" have done, on disappointments / regrets, etc. You clearly loved your Dad, and I'm sure he knew it. It wasn't perfect love (no one's love ever is) but he didn't die alone. You could have been forgiven for leaving him in the care of hirelings and protecting yourself ... but you didn't do that. You faced death down together. Be grateful for that. It was very brave of you. And very loving. Despite how well you think you did / didn't do, how conflicted your feelings were, how weak or strong you felt ... you did it, and that's what counts.
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14-02-2017, 06:41 PM
RE: that last month and a half
Thank you it means a lot to hear all the support. My previouse employment was at a mom and pop kind of business, and I guess I probably shouldn't be angry with them. Damn I would argue that being a smaller business it would have been simpler, especially one where my superior could have easily stepped in and we could have shared the burden of our dept together. Any way I always dwell on my decisions, and wonder too long after the fact.

I will never forget the part when you said we faced down death together.

thank you again for your kind words
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14-02-2017, 06:57 PM
RE: that last month and a half
(14-02-2017 10:57 AM)tickclicker Wrote:  today is it one month, And I'm getting all sentimental. there is so much he is going to miss out on. I just have to and those delusions are creeping back you know. I keep imagining that sometime I will get to have a good sit with my father and I will tell him of all the things that happened after he died. then he tells me all the things he has done the cool places he has been. then we get up and go on some awesome adventure... I'm spent that's all I can do for now

Oh yes, for quite some time I imagined what would happen if my husband suddenly walked in the door. What we would have said and done...

It's normal. Even though it makes you step back and look at yourself and wonder how you could be thinking this way, it's not crazy. Your brain isn't done processing everything. Just flow with it, you are reacting the way that is right for you at the time.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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14-02-2017, 09:33 PM
RE: that last month and a half
I was on a grief support site previous to this, I just wasn't getting what I needed from that. thanks again for your responses. I just don't want to go down the hole too far end up in a place I can't get out of, ya know. the snow ball effect, those thoughts give me sleepless nights. thanks again for your responses.
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26-02-2017, 09:54 PM
RE: that last month and a half
It's not getting better and I'm fearful
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