the failure to keep a promise.
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09-04-2013, 11:55 AM
the failure to keep a promise.
I am such a needy and fucked-up person, and I apologize.

Things have gotten bad.

I've continued the self-harm.
The cutting.
But it has gotten worse.

Food.
It has now became my enemy.

Bulimia.
Eating, and then...
Purging.

Throwing up, until it's blood.

If I don't get rid of it, my mind yells at me.
Ugly.

I feel anxious.
Nervous.
Hideous.

I'm scared.

All I want is to feel pretty.

I just...
I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like...
I've failed.

What if I have?

"You don't disappoint me.... I think your much braver than you may believe."
bemore

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09-04-2013, 12:28 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
If you've failed... you try again Wink

My suspicion is that this is related to something else which is bothering you ? i.e. the cutting and bulimia are a reaction to some negative thing ? I'd try to figure out the root cause if I were you.

You feel not-pretty ? But one of the things I've read about anorexia / bulimia is that your ability to judge that is impaired. You could be very pretty for all you know Wink

And yeah... the way to achieve prettiness is not through this route, you understand that ? If you want other people to think you're sexy, step one is to have a healthy bod. And healthy bod does not come from starving yourself.

Best advice though as always, is find someone you trust and tell them. Online we can only basically be voices in your head.

Lastly, you've battled this before and beaten it. Do it again. It's tiresome but these mental traps keep waiting to spring out and try and grab you again. Show that bulimia who's boss.

You have not failed. You just had a setback.

PS: about the cutting: Your parents know about it right? Are you still on good terms with them or so-so ? Why did you stop, and can you figure out why you're starting again ?
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09-04-2013, 03:09 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
Friend, you have my sympathy. Eating disorders are hard, I've had one myself, when I was younger.

What have caused you to feel this way? Are you getting any help?

Why do you think you're a failure?
Because you feel unpretty? Look at history, a lot of unpretty person have archived big, great things. Beauty is what makes you succeed in life.
Besides, I bet you just can't see your own beauty.
Is it because of the self harm, or the eating disorder? Everyone goes through rough times, it's normal, life is hard.
Feeling sad, going through bad times, that doesn't make you a failure, that means you're moving forward in life.

However, cutting isn't going to solve your problems, you should try finding a new way of expressing those sad feelings, when you feel the need to cut.

Of course you haven't failed, you're just experiencing a bad time.
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09-04-2013, 04:17 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
But.... your not ugly though. I could say it a million times and you wouldn't believe me, because it sounds like you have become used to telling yourself that from something in your past that has made you feel that way.

It's a vicious circle but you can beat it. It will take a lot of effort from your part to change old thinking habits/patterns but it can be done.

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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09-04-2013, 04:38 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
Failure? What have you failed? As far as I can see, the fight is still going. I hope you believe us when you say we are all allies with you against this danger that is ailing you. I also trust that you believe us when we say we understand what you are going through. Every time you post here, I want to help you... Only that there is only so much we can do. We can reassure you and continue to believe in you, and we will keep doing so... But ultimately it is up to you. A therapist. A trusted loved one. All they can do is provide the tools for you to get better. You have to work up the courage to fight.

Think of yourself as Britain fighting against the German Luftwaffe in World War II. For several years, all the United States could do was ship aid. You have to use that aid. We love you, so hang in there.

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10-04-2013, 11:40 AM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
Quote:PS: about the cutting: Your parents know about it right? Are you still on good terms with them or so-so ? Why did you stop, and can you figure out why you're starting again ?

They actually think I stopped a while ago.
I've been secretly cutting my thighs instead of my arms and stomach, so they don't see anything therefore don't check.
Honestly, I never stopped..
I just moved my cutting "easel".

Quote:What have caused you to feel this way? Are you getting any help?

I am very unhappy with myself physically and mentally.
I feel ugly and very stupid and vulnerable.
My boyfriend and "second-dad" are trying to help me to stop, but honestly words can't really help me. My mind overpowers any of my wants or anyone else's.
They would have to physically take the box-cutter away from me and force food down my throat (that I'd probably just throw up later).

I want help, but no matter if I try or not, my mind makes me hate myself and get even worse.

"You don't disappoint me.... I think your much braver than you may believe."
bemore

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10-04-2013, 12:55 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
Motherfucker. You wanna celebrate those who denigrate you, because you have already decided the quality of your character.

You want to ridicule those who celebrate you, because you have already decided your course. You want to see those who support you as demons for your self-destructive nature has already spoken, and must be reckoned.

What do you want from us? Would you condemn us to sing the praises of Sarah?

Of course not. You must.

You must look in the mirror, and declare...

SARAH I LOVE YOU!!

FOR THERE IS NO OTHER YOU

BUT YOU.

Do not subscribe to fashion. The integrity of your being must be timeless, or not at all.

[Image: klingon_zps7e68578a.jpg]
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10-04-2013, 04:22 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
(10-04-2013 11:40 AM)legendoflink Wrote:  
Quote:What have caused you to feel this way? Are you getting any help?

I am very unhappy with myself physically and mentally.
I feel ugly and very stupid and vulnerable.
My boyfriend and "second-dad" are trying to help me to stop, but honestly words can't really help me. My mind overpowers any of my wants or anyone else's.
They would have to physically take the box-cutter away from me and force food down my throat (that I'd probably just throw up later).

I want help, but no matter if I try or not, my mind makes me hate myself and get even worse.

There has to be more to it than that.
People don't get eating disorders just because they are sad or unhappy.

Either way, you need to seek out a therapist, or a facility that can help. And you need to tell your loved ones, exactly the things you write here.
At least give them a chance to help you, if you know what they can do.
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13-04-2013, 10:00 PM
 
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
I'm not saying this to be cruel, believe me, but I have a lot of experience with people in your situation, and you have to know you're going to end up locked in a mental hospital, maybe for a long time. And the people you will have to live with in there can really be some disgusting individuals. But in the end, no one will be able to stop you from going down the road you are choosing to go down. I think you know that.

I don't think what you are doing is good. I don't think it's attractive at all. I do understand it, but there's nothing, in the end, anyone can do to stop you, except tell you--stop it. So, stop it.

Find something constructive to do with your life. If you're overweight, then fast twice a week. If you're underweight, then find something you can keep down and snack on that regularly--lots of small amounts.

I know you're depressed. I know you hate yourself. You can see perfection and you're not it--none of us are; we do what we can with what we have at the time, and God doesn't expect more than that, and if He doesn't, you need to stop expecting more from yourself.

Life is very hard--and for those destine to do great things, it's especially hard. But you're not going to be able to do what you were designed to do if you're cutting on yourself and vomitting until you bleed. You can choose to live or die and no one can stop you, not in the end they can't. So get busy living. There are things for you to do, and you need your body to do them--so stop punishing it.

Legend of Link, I really do wish you the best in this struggle and in your pain. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, and I know you are. But I love you and the Lord loves you, and you are a wanted and needed person in this universe. You were created for more than this. Don't let the dark forces win. I know you know what I mean.

Lot's of luck, Legend of Link.
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15-04-2013, 04:08 PM
RE: the failure to keep a promise.
The best advice I can give that hasn't already been said by someone else is this video





Listen to the music and imagine yourself overcoming your problems. You are better then this. You deserve better. You, and only you can decide your worth, not others. Make the right choice. You're better then this.

I've got 2 tulpas, Taunav and Eris. If you don't know what a tulpa is, read this.
http://community.tulpa.info/thread-kiahd...-to-tulpas
If Taunav has anything to say, he'll be speaking in []
If Eris has anything to say, she'll be speaking in {}
If you think I'm insane, I don't care
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