the sanctity of life
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13-03-2014, 07:55 AM
RE: the sanctity of life
(12-03-2014 10:31 PM)WhiteRaven Wrote:  I come to this conversation from a variety of perspectives. For several years, I was a psychiatric nurse working on a locked ward with the sickest of patients, many of them suicidal. A number of my patients attempted suicide on my watch or committed suicide during the course of my work at the hospital. I know several people - friends - who have attempted or successfully committed suicide, and have recently lost 2 cousins to suicide. But most importantly, I've been dealing with major depression since I was very young and have had suicidal feelings and thoughts since around the 9th grade (I'm 52 now).

I've spent most of my life trying to figure out what the purpose of this life is. If there's a point. Going back-and-forth between believing life, in its very pure and simple form, is precious and life is a fucking joke. I've had good moments, between the depressive ones, when I was able to help boost the spirits of others and help them through difficult times; I've had short periods of time when I've had reasons to be happy. But nothing has been sustaining.

Physically, I've had several unusual issues, some which are chronic, but none which are life-threatening or incredibly painful. Emotionally, though, my pain is excruciating. My depressive episodes are much closer together than they used to be, and I haven't had anything close to "happy" in well over 2 years. I think about suicide all the time. The only things that give me any pleasure in this life are my 2 cats.

No one should have to live with the kind of pain I endure every day. I've been on countless drugs, to many therapists. Nothing helps. The quality of my life is very poor. I'm existing. Just hanging around waiting to die. The only reason I'm still here is because I feel a degree of responsibility to my cats (whom I love dearly) and I worry about hurting my mom.

It should be my decision. I've given this life a chance. I've thought things through very carefully for a long time. The only reason most people want to stop others from killing themselves is because they are scared and feel out-of-control. It's not out of some hugely compassionate gesture. I've never met anyone who truly gave a shit. Oh, ok. Maybe one.

We shouldn't be deciding what's best for other people. I do think it is helpful to offer conversation and compassion if someone is not thinking clearly, because it is true that sometimes suicidal thoughts are impulsive and fleeting. But sometimes it's just the right decision.

It's funny. I know religion is bad for the masses, but it really can provide a kind of comfort and meaning when there isn't any there. I can trace my descent into a more severe depression back to my realization that I didn't believe in god. I think I felt like I lost something then, even though it was just a delusion.

Hmm, I have kept suicide as an open option for me for decades now. It has actually been a very positive part of my life.

It allows me to take greater risks, experience more, do things I would otherwise not. The knowledge that the door to the exit is wide open and all I have to do is walk through to leave my troubles behind, has grounded me in so many ways.

I have no comment about the religion aspect as I left religion when I was 10 and it has never been any sort of crutch for me... so I don't know about it as such.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-03-2014, 04:25 PM
RE: the sanctity of life
(13-03-2014 07:55 AM)Dom Wrote:  Hmm, I have kept suicide as an open option for me for decades now.

Constructing and gazing at my exit bag has saved Girly's sorry ass more than once.

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