troubles at home
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27-03-2016, 06:43 PM
troubles at home
i dont consider this a sensitive issue but ill put it here anyway. its more of a rant.
my boyfriend was once married. he had two kids. later in his life he got a divorce. fast forward hes with me. his two kids moved in with us from maryland. the mother.. for whatever reason decided to move down to alabama too.
well since the mother has moved here there has been a lot of trouble. one of the kids moved out and back in with the mom. the other one has recently started complaining. she quotes her mom saying "youll never change." change what? he stopped smoking in the house when they got here, he stopped playing games as much. he tries spending time with them. he gets up in the morning to make sure the one here is up on time for school.
the mother has been feeding into the kids down talking the dad. this is straight bullshit. the kids are now telling their dad he needs to change who he is and it is driving him crazy.
they are basically listening to the mom rather than what they think. so now they are pushing at him to change who he is. who he has been for 33 years. now this child is crying in my kitchen because the mother has ruined the idea of what a father should be. AngryAngryAngry
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27-03-2016, 08:14 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 06:43 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  i dont consider this a sensitive issue but ill put it here anyway. its more of a rant.
my boyfriend was once married. he had two kids. later in his life he got a divorce. fast forward hes with me. his two kids moved in with us from maryland. the mother.. for whatever reason decided to move down to alabama too.
well since the mother has moved here there has been a lot of trouble. one of the kids moved out and back in with the mom. the other one has recently started complaining. she quotes her mom saying "youll never change." change what? he stopped smoking in the house when they got here, he stopped playing games as much. he tries spending time with them. he gets up in the morning to make sure the one here is up on time for school.
the mother has been feeding into the kids down talking the dad. this is straight bullshit. the kids are now telling their dad he needs to change who he is and it is driving him crazy.
they are basically listening to the mom rather than what they think. so now they are pushing at him to change who he is. who he has been for 33 years. now this child is crying in my kitchen because the mother has ruined the idea of what a father should be. AngryAngryAngry

Hopefully you and your guy can counter the BS the mom is feeding the kids. Using reason, even in a tangential way may help- stories that drive the point home, so that it doesn't seem like argumentation against the mother, maybe.
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27-03-2016, 08:50 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 08:14 PM)Fireball Wrote:  
(27-03-2016 06:43 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  i dont consider this a sensitive issue but ill put it here anyway. its more of a rant.
my boyfriend was once married. he had two kids. later in his life he got a divorce. fast forward hes with me. his two kids moved in with us from maryland. the mother.. for whatever reason decided to move down to alabama too.
well since the mother has moved here there has been a lot of trouble. one of the kids moved out and back in with the mom. the other one has recently started complaining. she quotes her mom saying "youll never change." change what? he stopped smoking in the house when they got here, he stopped playing games as much. he tries spending time with them. he gets up in the morning to make sure the one here is up on time for school.
the mother has been feeding into the kids down talking the dad. this is straight bullshit. the kids are now telling their dad he needs to change who he is and it is driving him crazy.
they are basically listening to the mom rather than what they think. so now they are pushing at him to change who he is. who he has been for 33 years. now this child is crying in my kitchen because the mother has ruined the idea of what a father should be. AngryAngryAngry

Hopefully you and your guy can counter the BS the mom is feeding the kids. Using reason, even in a tangential way may help- stories that drive the point home, so that it doesn't seem like argumentation against the mother, maybe.

It's extremely hard. We have done a lot to give the kids what they want. They didn't like sharing a room so why bought a bigger house. They didn't like his shift so he changed it to be home more causing us money. We got them the pets they wanted. We try to do what they want but because the mom says he isn't a good dad that's what they go by.
Then they don't like me because I give them chores and make them follow rules of the house. Their mom lets them do whatever they want. It's just super tough.
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27-03-2016, 09:18 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 08:50 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  
(27-03-2016 08:14 PM)Fireball Wrote:  Hopefully you and your guy can counter the BS the mom is feeding the kids. Using reason, even in a tangential way may help- stories that drive the point home, so that it doesn't seem like argumentation against the mother, maybe.

It's extremely hard. We have done a lot to give the kids what they want. They didn't like sharing a room so why bought a bigger house. They didn't like his shift so he changed it to be home more causing us money. We got them the pets they wanted. We try to do what they want but because the mom says he isn't a good dad that's what they go by.
Then they don't like me because I give them chores and make them follow rules of the house. Their mom lets them do whatever they want. It's just super tough.

I don't know how to advise you on this beyond what I already said- my fault, not yours. I've been lucky in that even though both sides came from an RCC background, everyone is reasonable. At some point you are going to have to draw a line about what the grandma can say to your children and control them with. I will say though, that "giving the kids what they want" may not be really giving the kids what they really need, which is structure, acceptance and understanding. Other people with more experience and knowledge will be chiming in with advice that will be more helpful.
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27-03-2016, 09:18 PM
RE: troubles at home
So sorry.

Hug

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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27-03-2016, 09:25 PM
RE: troubles at home
Let me state my position on child rearing, then if you choose to try it or ignore it, it is something you have at least considered.

I do not cater to children's demands, ever. I do reward good behavior, responsible behaviors and efforts to be kind/generous. When my children were at home we had "family meetings" anyone could call a family meeting to discuss issues and everyone was required to attend. At these family meetings anything could be discussed without repercussions (in the moment) though respectful behavior was still expected, all requests and critiques were considered and my children had some say over their own lives. Almost everything was up for negotiation. They did not have say over the adults lives.

What was not negotiable was respect for their parents, the final decisions were ours and what we decided, on how our house was run, was final. How others do their house is their business but we did our to best suit our particular needs.

Children who have more than one household to live in must adapt to the different environments much like adapting to home/work/school environments. What works one place does not necessarily work in another. They are children/teens and they can adapt. They are also not beyond manipulating parents against each other in order to rule by proxy. This should not be tolerated, IMO. At this point in their lives they are the center of their own universe and do not see the bigger picture. That is your job. Parents are not there to be kids best friend, this will at times make you unpopular. That is a good thing. I was never one to want to be my children's friend because my goal was to be the best parent I could be. When they became adults, then I became their friend and we are very close. I never catered to them to win their love. Love cannot be bought, it needs to be earned, on both sides.

When they walk through your door they need to adapt to what happens in your house, under your rules and in a way that best serves the way you and your bf live. What they do or allowed at their mom's house is not your business nor is it up for consideration. This is what I would make clear. I'm a hard ass when it comes to family relationships so this may not be right for you. I was tough but loving, we had difficulties but we weathered them. My children are grown, self-supporting, raising their own children, good people, caring citizens and I never had to get them out of jail nor rescue them from something they got into inadvertently.

That's my 2 cents. Take it or leave it, as you please. Good luck.

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27-03-2016, 09:37 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 09:25 PM)Heatheness Wrote:  Let me state my position on child rearing, then if you choose to try it or ignore it, it is something you have at least considered.

I do not cater to children's demands, ever. I do reward good behavior, responsible behaviors and efforts to be kind/generous. When my children were at home we had "family meetings" anyone could call a family meeting to discuss issues and everyone was required to attend. At these family meetings anything could be discussed without repercussions (in the moment) though respectful behavior was still expected, all requests and critiques were considered and my children had some say over their own lives. Almost everything was up for negotiation. They did not have say over the adults lives.

What was not negotiable was respect for their parents, the final decisions were ours and what we decided, on how our house was run, was final. How others do their house is their business but we did our to best suit our particular needs.

Children who have more than one household to live in must adapt to the different environments much like adapting to home/work/school environments. What works one place does not necessarily work in another. They are children/teens and they can adapt. They are also not beyond manipulating parents against each other in order to rule by proxy. This should not be tolerated, IMO. At this point in their lives they are the center of their own universe and do not see the bigger picture. That is your job. Parents are not there to be kids best friend, this will at times make you unpopular. That is a good thing. I was never one to want to be my children's friend because my goal was to be the best parent I could be. When they became adults, then I became their friend and we are very close. I never catered to them to win their love. Love cannot be bought, it needs to be earned, on both sides.

When they walk through your door they need to adapt to what happens in your house, under your rules and in a way that best serves the way you and your bf live. What they do or allowed at their mom's house is not your business nor is it up for consideration. This is what I would make clear. I'm a hard ass when it comes to family relationships so this may not be right for you. I was tough but loving, we had difficulties but we weathered them. My children are grown, self-supporting, raising their own children, good people, caring citizens and I never had to get them out of jail nor rescue them from something they got into inadvertently.

That's my 2 cents. Take it or leave it, as you please. Good luck.

How you handle your house is similar to how my dad handled mine growing up. But things like that don't fly here unfortunately. They don't clean house unless they "think" it's needs it. Leaving me to do everything while they play games. I am 25 with no kids of my own dealing with a thirteen year old who just dislikes me. That's the way it's got to be I guess.
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27-03-2016, 09:39 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 09:37 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  
(27-03-2016 09:25 PM)Heatheness Wrote:  Let me state my position on child rearing, then if you choose to try it or ignore it, it is something you have at least considered.

I do not cater to children's demands, ever. I do reward good behavior, responsible behaviors and efforts to be kind/generous. When my children were at home we had "family meetings" anyone could call a family meeting to discuss issues and everyone was required to attend. At these family meetings anything could be discussed without repercussions (in the moment) though respectful behavior was still expected, all requests and critiques were considered and my children had some say over their own lives. Almost everything was up for negotiation. They did not have say over the adults lives.

What was not negotiable was respect for their parents, the final decisions were ours and what we decided, on how our house was run, was final. How others do their house is their business but we did our to best suit our particular needs.

Children who have more than one household to live in must adapt to the different environments much like adapting to home/work/school environments. What works one place does not necessarily work in another. They are children/teens and they can adapt. They are also not beyond manipulating parents against each other in order to rule by proxy. This should not be tolerated, IMO. At this point in their lives they are the center of their own universe and do not see the bigger picture. That is your job. Parents are not there to be kids best friend, this will at times make you unpopular. That is a good thing. I was never one to want to be my children's friend because my goal was to be the best parent I could be. When they became adults, then I became their friend and we are very close. I never catered to them to win their love. Love cannot be bought, it needs to be earned, on both sides.

When they walk through your door they need to adapt to what happens in your house, under your rules and in a way that best serves the way you and your bf live. What they do or allowed at their mom's house is not your business nor is it up for consideration. This is what I would make clear. I'm a hard ass when it comes to family relationships so this may not be right for you. I was tough but loving, we had difficulties but we weathered them. My children are grown, self-supporting, raising their own children, good people, caring citizens and I never had to get them out of jail nor rescue them from something they got into inadvertently.

That's my 2 cents. Take it or leave it, as you please. Good luck.

How you handle your house is similar to how my dad handled mine growing up. But things like that don't fly here unfortunately. They don't clean house unless they "think" it's needs it. Leaving me to do everything while they play games. I am 25 with no kids of my own dealing with a thirteen year old who just dislikes me. That's the way it's got to be I guess.

Well, that is your choice, of course.

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27-03-2016, 09:56 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 09:25 PM)Heatheness Wrote:  Let me state my position on child rearing, then if you choose to try it or ignore it, it is something you have at least considered.

I do not cater to children's demands, ever. I do reward good behavior, responsible behaviors and efforts to be kind/generous. When my children were at home we had "family meetings" anyone could call a family meeting to discuss issues and everyone was required to attend. At these family meetings anything could be discussed without repercussions (in the moment) though respectful behavior was still expected, all requests and critiques were considered and my children had some say over their own lives. Almost everything was up for negotiation. They did not have say over the adults lives.

What was not negotiable was respect for their parents, the final decisions were ours and what we decided, on how our house was run, was final. How others do their house is their business but we did our to best suit our particular needs.

Children who have more than one household to live in must adapt to the different environments much like adapting to home/work/school environments. What works one place does not necessarily work in another. They are children/teens and they can adapt. They are also not beyond manipulating parents against each other in order to rule by proxy. This should not be tolerated, IMO. At this point in their lives they are the center of their own universe and do not see the bigger picture. That is your job. Parents are not there to be kids best friend, this will at times make you unpopular. That is a good thing. I was never one to want to be my children's friend because my goal was to be the best parent I could be. When they became adults, then I became their friend and we are very close. I never catered to them to win their love. Love cannot be bought, it needs to be earned, on both sides.

When they walk through your door they need to adapt to what happens in your house, under your rules and in a way that best serves the way you and your bf live. What they do or allowed at their mom's house is not your business nor is it up for consideration. This is what I would make clear. I'm a hard ass when it comes to family relationships so this may not be right for you. I was tough but loving, we had difficulties but we weathered them. My children are grown, self-supporting, raising their own children, good people, caring citizens and I never had to get them out of jail nor rescue them from something they got into inadvertently.

That's my 2 cents. Take it or leave it, as you please. Good luck.

That's what I'm talking about, with a better answer than mine!
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27-03-2016, 10:04 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 09:37 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  
(27-03-2016 09:25 PM)Heatheness Wrote:  Let me state my position on child rearing, then if you choose to try it or ignore it, it is something you have at least considered.

I do not cater to children's demands, ever. I do reward good behavior, responsible behaviors and efforts to be kind/generous. When my children were at home we had "family meetings" anyone could call a family meeting to discuss issues and everyone was required to attend. At these family meetings anything could be discussed without repercussions (in the moment) though respectful behavior was still expected, all requests and critiques were considered and my children had some say over their own lives. Almost everything was up for negotiation. They did not have say over the adults lives.

What was not negotiable was respect for their parents, the final decisions were ours and what we decided, on how our house was run, was final. How others do their house is their business but we did our to best suit our particular needs.

Children who have more than one household to live in must adapt to the different environments much like adapting to home/work/school environments. What works one place does not necessarily work in another. They are children/teens and they can adapt. They are also not beyond manipulating parents against each other in order to rule by proxy. This should not be tolerated, IMO. At this point in their lives they are the center of their own universe and do not see the bigger picture. That is your job. Parents are not there to be kids best friend, this will at times make you unpopular. That is a good thing. I was never one to want to be my children's friend because my goal was to be the best parent I could be. When they became adults, then I became their friend and we are very close. I never catered to them to win their love. Love cannot be bought, it needs to be earned, on both sides.

When they walk through your door they need to adapt to what happens in your house, under your rules and in a way that best serves the way you and your bf live. What they do or allowed at their mom's house is not your business nor is it up for consideration. This is what I would make clear. I'm a hard ass when it comes to family relationships so this may not be right for you. I was tough but loving, we had difficulties but we weathered them. My children are grown, self-supporting, raising their own children, good people, caring citizens and I never had to get them out of jail nor rescue them from something they got into inadvertently.

That's my 2 cents. Take it or leave it, as you please. Good luck.

How you handle your house is similar to how my dad handled mine growing up. But things like that don't fly here unfortunately. They don't clean house unless they "think" it's needs it. Leaving me to do everything while they play games. I am 25 with no kids of my own dealing with a thirteen year old who just dislikes me. That's the way it's got to be I guess.

OK, I have to ask- how old is their father? The difference in your age and the 13 year old is pretty small, and may lead to some rebelliousness. In this situation, you are just going to have to "mom up", and lay down the law. The kids really want to have the rules explicitly spelled out so that they can test you (and the rest of the world). That's what they do. Being nice means jack. That doesn't mean beating them, it means picking a position that is right and standing behind it, and not taking the crap. Try it, you may be surprised. Lay out what needs to be done, and ride them until the job gets done. It gets easier over time, as your spine gains strength and their respect increases.
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