troubles at home
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27-03-2016, 10:25 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 10:04 PM)Fireball Wrote:  
(27-03-2016 09:37 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  How you handle your house is similar to how my dad handled mine growing up. But things like that don't fly here unfortunately. They don't clean house unless they "think" it's needs it. Leaving me to do everything while they play games. I am 25 with no kids of my own dealing with a thirteen year old who just dislikes me. That's the way it's got to be I guess.

OK, I have to ask- how old is their father? The difference in your age and the 13 year old is pretty small, and may lead to some rebelliousness. In this situation, you are just going to have to "mom up", and lay down the law. The kids really want to have the rules explicitly spelled out so that they can test you (and the rest of the world). That's what they do. Being nice means jack. That doesn't mean beating them, it means picking a position that is right and standing behind it, and not taking the crap. Try it, you may be surprised. Lay out what needs to be done, and ride them until the job gets done. It gets easier over time, as your spine gains strength and their respect increases.

He is 33. The more I lay down the worse it gets. I got into her once for back talking when I told her to stop yelling across the house to her dad. She left and went to her moms for a week because of me. When he found out his child didn't like me he nearly kicked me out. They don't see things like I do. They don't see how rules should be in place and how chores need to be taken care of. I work 2:30-11 pm Monday thru Thursday and 10:30am-7:15 on Friday. I also go to school on Tuesday and Thursday before work. I don't want to come home every night and do their dishes and pick up after them just because they see it as unseeded to be don't at the moment. I feel like I can barely get any time in with him myself because he's trying to do what the kid wants. I have a designated date night once every two weeks otherwise time isn't guaranteed. Like this relationship is suffering because he wants to please the kids.
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27-03-2016, 10:40 PM
RE: troubles at home
It's a shame him and the ex- don't get along -- that makes it virtually impossible to build an effective parenting team. Having never been married, I'm unqualified to give much marriage advice, but is there a way you can discuss this with your hubby and perhaps get him to see the difficulty of your own position, and from there some more spousal support?

If I have any advice to give you, it would be to stick to your principles and make sure your communications with hubby stay as healthy as possible. Don't make decisions in anger, and as much as possible get him on board and owning his share of the unpleasantries of parenting a combined family.
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27-03-2016, 10:46 PM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 10:40 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  It's a shame him and the ex- don't get along -- that makes it virtually impossible to build an effective parenting team. Having never been married, I'm unqualified to give much marriage advice, but is there a way you can discuss this with your hubby and perhaps get him to see the difficulty of your own position, and from there some more spousal support?

If I have any advice to give you, it would be to stick to your principles and make sure your communications with hubby stay as healthy as possible. Don't make decisions in anger, and as much as possible get him on board and owning his share of the unpleasantries of parenting a combined family.

We have been in circles about this.
The thing about the ex's relationship and his.. When I met him it seemed to be the ideal thing for them. Then when she moved down with her kids and being so close (next road over close) her true colors started showing. It's like she moved from Maryland to Alabama just to make sure they move back to Maryland with her.
I'm going to talk to him tonight though. I am currently sitting outside mad because I took tomorrow off to spend time with him and he's blowing me off because his daughter gave him the "moms right you'll never change" speech.
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27-03-2016, 10:55 PM
RE: troubles at home
Well, when you guys talk, make sure your anger doesn't boil. I know it sounds both easy and preachy for me to say, but when anger inserts itself in these sorts of conversations the result rarely helps anyone.

As teenagers, their desires about which parent they wish to live with should be heard. And let me tell you, my own son, at 13, was difficult to deal with at times. The couple of times he told me "I hate you, I want to go live with Mom," I offered to help pack. I know calling their bluff is not and can not be your task, but your husband needs to man up. As my step-father once told me, "She may be your mother, but she's my wife, and I won't have you talking to her like that." Your husband needs to tell the kids that while he loves them, he loves you too, and that any disrespect in the relationships is out of bounds.

Just my small opinion, like I say, I've never been married and have never had stepkids, so forgive me if I'm running my mouth out of turn.

Hang in there, ma'am.
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28-03-2016, 12:34 AM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 10:55 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  Well, when you guys talk, make sure your anger doesn't boil. I know it sounds both easy and preachy for me to say, but when anger inserts itself in these sorts of conversations the result rarely helps anyone.

As teenagers, their desires about which parent they wish to live with should be heard. And let me tell you, my own son, at 13, was difficult to deal with at times. The couple of times he told me "I hate you, I want to go live with Mom," I offered to help pack. I know calling their bluff is not and can not be your task, but your husband needs to man up. As my step-father once told me, "She may be your mother, but she's my wife, and I won't have you talking to her like that." Your husband needs to tell the kids that while he loves them, he loves you too, and that any disrespect in the relationships is out of bounds.

Just my small opinion, like I say, I've never been married and have never had stepkids, so forgive me if I'm running my mouth out of turn.

Hang in there, ma'am.

Thanks. I appreciate all the comments from everyone.
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28-03-2016, 05:14 AM
RE: troubles at home
Your BF needs to take your side too. You shouldn't have to be the big meanie because he's not telling them to clean up after themselves. It's not rocket science. You are his lover, not the person who helps out with the kids.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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28-03-2016, 05:48 AM
RE: troubles at home
I think your best choice in this situation is to step back from the conflict between the exes. Otherwise it may end up that your boyfriend has to choose between his kids and you--and either choice hurts multiple people.

I recommend that you talk to your boyfriend at a time when things are calm about what rules he wants his kids to abide by in his house, write them down, and later present them to the kids along with what's going to happen if they break a rule. Also have him talk to the kids about disrespecting you. The kids may never like you, but they should learn to treat you politely.

In terms of cleaning up after the kids: why not also have your boyfriend doing this, so that he feels the same kind of pain and inconvenience that you do? If a couple of months of that convince him that his kids have to step up with chores, then they will have learned to take the house rules seriously. If his opinion isn't changed, at least you will have his help keeping things in order, so the burden will not be all on you.
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28-03-2016, 06:01 AM
RE: troubles at home
(27-03-2016 10:25 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  When he found out his child didn't like me he nearly kicked me out.

You are your own person. You should not come second place to some kids. Maybe you should call his bluff and let him learn to appreciate you. And if he doesn't then it's a lucky escape.

Otherwise they will continue trampling all over you. You have your own life. You are still young enough to have your own kids that you can raise properly.
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28-03-2016, 11:02 AM
RE: troubles at home
(28-03-2016 06:01 AM)Mathilda Wrote:  
(27-03-2016 10:25 PM)Jewelarcher Wrote:  When he found out his child didn't like me he nearly kicked me out.

You are your own person. You should not come second place to some kids. Maybe you should call his bluff and let him learn to appreciate you. And if he doesn't then it's a lucky escape.

Otherwise they will continue trampling all over you. You have your own life. You are still young enough to have your own kids that you can raise properly.

Actually my dad warned me about dating a guy with kids. The kids always come first. I can't say anything since my siblings and I voted out one of my dads girlfriends when we were little.
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28-03-2016, 11:04 AM
RE: troubles at home
I didn't wake up angry but I woke up determined to straighten things out. I pulled the little one off the computer and made them help me clean the house. I said things need to change and he agrees but not in the same sense. He won't tell me what he means. I explained to his kid why I was stern with them and she understands. She said if she's not reminded to do something she'll forget and I get that I was the same. Her dad on the other hand seems a little ticked so I'm going to just let him do whatever for now.
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