what can I do to fix this?
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01-07-2016, 10:39 AM (This post was last modified: 01-07-2016 10:52 AM by SuperBigV.)
what can I do to fix this?
Greetings, I'm a new user to the forums. I'm an ex-Christian, and would consider myself an agnostic atheist.

A bit of a background. I was born in the former Soviet Union, now Ukraine. It was an atheist country in mid 70's when I was born, but my family was very devout Evangelical Baptists. Also, my dad was very strict. He would be the kind of a guy who would hit first and ask questions later. I am finding that shame is my problem. I feel inadequate. Inadequate to face life, incompetent at work (although I do my job fairly well and am in the top 10-20 pct performance wise).

After leaving religion, I am finding myself very much in doubt. Christians that I know are very good at shifting goal posts. Rather than arguing about the issues with the Bible, they say... "Oh come on, you are only an atheist because you love sinning, etc.." which puts me on the defensive and creates an internal conflict within me. It feels as if I'm very easily suggestible. As if I'm expected to say... "you are right, I do love sin and this makes my atheism unreasonable" When I was a kid, my dad would yell at me... " don't you understand?" whenever I'd work on a problem that I just wasn't getting. So, it feels like I've became hyper vigilant, on the guard for present and potential danger. Most of the stuff never materializes but, in my mind, I'm still not out of the woods so must remain vigilant.

Lately, I've been additionally grappling with the scary medical diagnosis for both of my kids (I have only two). My teenage son may have a heart condition that could make him drop dead upon exertion or he could live into the ripe old age. My 6yo daughter may be in the same boat but too early to tell. This situation kicks my worry into overdrive. Interestingly, my Christian wife and my whole family are not as concerned. They are at peace, because everything is in God's hands and even if death happens, the good byes are not forever. Part of me wants this to be true, but my mind is now too far gone to believe. Looking at the photos of my kids now evokes deep sadness, as if they are dead or dying, when, in fact, noone even notices any issues with them.

So, maybe my issue is lack of acceptance of life? Afterall, there are no guarantees? Any tips, suggestions appreciated.
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01-07-2016, 10:51 AM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
Welcome to the forum.

The difference between an atheist and a theist - is when things get tough -- the theist "prays about it" -- and generally does nothing...

The atheist has to take the bull by the horns, and handle things themselves -- as they're not counting on some nefarious "invisible man in the sky" to take care of matters...........

......

You seem to have the sense to know which is more likely to yield results..........

Good luck, and keep at it.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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01-07-2016, 11:11 AM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
Love them, play with them as they are able. What's gonna happen will happen. Is it a certainty that if your son's heart stops that it is fatal, right then and there? Or is there temporary medical intervention like CPR that would bring him keep him alive until professional help can work on him?
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01-07-2016, 11:22 AM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
http://k94life.org/about/programs/

Quote:Cardiac alert dogs are service dogs that warn their partners of abrupt and serious changes in blood pressure levels, also known as cardiac syncope. Being forewarned of upcoming dangerous blood pressure levels allows an individual to take precautions such as taking essential medication, lying down, resting and elevating their legs. The ability to detect changes in blood pressure levels is also an innate ability, as with seizure alert activity. Once a dog has been determined to have this innate ability, their alert behavior is supported with positive click and treat training methods.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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01-07-2016, 11:24 AM (This post was last modified: 01-07-2016 12:01 PM by SuperBigV.)
RE: what can I do to fix this?
(01-07-2016 11:11 AM)Fireball Wrote:  Love them, play with them as they are able. What's gonna happen will happen. Is it a certainty that if your son's heart stops that it is fatal, right then and there? Or is there temporary medical intervention like CPR that would bring him keep him alive until professional help can work on him?

I believe it depends on what happens. He underwent a stress test without passing out, but the condition is degenerative, but how quick - noone knows. It's ARVC (Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy) of which he technically meets 3/4 minor criteria, which makes him a borderline. He had one passing our episode a few years ago at night, but that could have been heat related and he quickly recovered. There is a good chance nothing bad will happen to him and that he does not even have ARVC or that he will otherwise live into a good old age. Also, technically his left side causes arrhytmias and everyone on my father's side had arrhytmias and lived until 80s. Not everyone with the condition dies suddenly, but it could happen, which drives me crazy as I'm in the worst case scenario mode of thinking.
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01-07-2016, 12:42 PM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
Welcome to the form BigV. Sorry to hear what your kids are going threw.

Wish I could give some helpful advice, but I don't think any that I would give would subside what would be going on. All I can really say is trust the doctors.

As far as the religious portion. It's been my experience that religion doesn't help in times of death. When I was a believer and my grandfather died, the first day I found out I was an emotional wrench. I cried constantly for about a day. By time his funeral came around I had allowed "Jesus" to take care of him. I felt great joy for the opportunity ,and was cracking jokes to lighten the mood to the rest of the famliy. Only to have angry eyes or tears as a response. I had a tuff time understanding. Some of the most religious people in my family would when unconnected friends would die would joyful say they we're in heaven with Jesus. This seem like a positive thing. But when it happen to them with someone close it didn't stop the heart ack. or the tears. My mother still cries when she thinks about her father. And she's still a believer.

If they are going to say such hurtful things, like Oh well they're in gods hands now. I don't know if I'd be able to hold my tongue.

When you co-workers say "you just want to live in sin." Just ask them what is sin? Usually it stumps them, because they haven't been spoon fed what is suppose to follow after they go threw what they picked up.

We have another former Ukranian here as well. Haven't seen her for a while thou. (not that i'm complaining) She's have some extreme religious views and dealing with her can be quit daunting at times. When she's around you'll know for sure.

Don't Live each day like it's your last. Live each day like you have 541 days after that one where every choice you make will have lasting implications to you and the world around you. ~ Tim Minchin
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01-07-2016, 12:55 PM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
Sorry to hear this. But it can all be fixed.
1. Abusive parents/teachers do create PTSD and hyper-vigilance. You should see a therapist that deals in that. I know a couple people who have learned to deal with this, and at least generally get over it. One has relayed to me that if someone suddenly yells or has an unexpected outburst, it can trigger the conditioned response, but understanding it is more than half the battle.
2. I would not talk religion with the family. Just say " prefer not to discuss that now ... " and be firm. They will learn to stop.
3. Bu sure the kids have seen a peds cardiologist, (you probably have). I work in the field, and things which were not treatable even 5 years ago, are now.
Sudden death in kids from an arrhythmia, is a. incredibly rare, b. very treatable.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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06-07-2016, 03:23 PM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
Welcome to the forum

Have you actually had a serious talk about this condition with your kids? It might make things easier on both you and the kids. Just to know where everybody stands emotionally.
And who knows, maybe your teenage son has googled around about treatments and such things. You never know.
I agree on Buck Ball's dealing with religion talk. Be firm about it, especially when you voice worries or want to talk about things like treatments and fears. They are just pushing their fears and worries away (God's big plan etc) and that is a very unhealthy thing. It's like a drug. It helps for the moment but on the long term it is not a solution. So don't let them roll over you doing the healthy thing of talking about it.

For now maybe make appointments with your doctor, wait for more information, and so on. See what can be done to treat or at least help a bit. I mean that is what I would do anyway, just try to pump my brain full of information about the condition to see if anything can be done.

I know it all sounds so "duh of course!" but I know how it is. We get worried and won't see the most logical and most clear things and that gets us even more on the edge. So that is why I point those "duh"-things out.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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07-07-2016, 10:35 AM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
I am really sorry to hear about this. I know this must take a big toll on you, which is completely understandable to anyone who is a parent. I don't know if the doctor has given you some odds, like what are the odds your son really has this condition which as I read is not even established), what are the odds his heart wold stop, etc. The numbers may be low enough to at least give you some reassurance.

I am with Fireball. Love them, play with them, enjoy them.
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16-08-2016, 02:57 PM
RE: what can I do to fix this?
SuperBigV,

The bottom line, as I see it, is realising that what is happening is not about religion. Having been steeped in it, of course it is hard to get outside. The talk of 'liking sinning' is a classic emotional blackmail to get you back into the fold.

At some level, you may fear that the health problems with your children are somehow your fault, hence feelings of guilt. It is very difficult to lose this, but not impossible. Maybe face to face talk with a humanist counsellor might help, and also deal with the very worrying health risks that are challenging your family?

D.
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